Who Gets a Present This Year?

It’s THAT time of year again!

No sooner than we get past the glow of Halloween fun, costumes, and candy, do we wake and realize… the holidays are upon us! Well, it’s not just then… I would say it’s about October 1st, when we walk into the store to start thinking about Halloween, and there, competing with the Halloween items on display are … gasp… Christmas decorations!

 AAAGGGHHH!!!

I ignore it all, though that’s really about the time I get a knot in my stomach, because besides all the festivites, here it comes again… the DREADED FAMILY PRESENT DRAWING.

Don’t know what that is? It’s when families put names in a hat, and everyone picks out one name, and instead of getting presents for everyone, that’s the ONE person for whom they have to get a present.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It does get ridiculous in large families — if there are, say, 5 or more siblings, it can get rather spendy, especially when adulthood makes it exponential, with spouses and children. Since I have but one sister, that was never an issue — even though she has 4 children. If anything, the rule was, children first, since they enjoy the holidays so much more.

Now, let’s flash to my husband’s family. He’s the youngest of 3 children (so, do the math, 2 siblings, vs. my 1). Still manageable in my book. But I remember back in B.C. (before children) days when  they were pushing, pushing, pushing to do a drawing. That just never made sense to me. My family has always been big on Christmas, and very generous! Even when I’ve been dirt broke (especially in the first years of adulthood), I would find SOMETHING to hand make, which I think is much more meaningful as a gift, anyway. One time in ancient history, I think when I was around 21 or 22, with my above average creative abilities, I made hand-painted sweatshirts for EVERYONE (except for the children), painting something that was personally relevant for each recipient. For example, my mom had 2 cats that she adored, so I painted her cats for her (she had that shirt for years — maybe 15 – and just recently gave it back; my children use it for a nightshirt). So, all I spent on gifts that year was the cost of a plain Hanes sweatshirt (which I got from an overstock catalog, if I remember correctly, so I could order in bulk) and the material paints. And everyone got something personalized, and it showed that I spent time actually THINKING about what they would like.

OK, OK, off my soapbox and onto another one. Anyway, I thought it was the funniest thing when I was first with my husband and his sister and brother decided we would do a drawing. What, 1 instead of 2 people to get for? Is it THAT hard? So me and my big mouth said that we’d prefer not to, and we wanted to get for everyone. And, since my brother’s sister is the Queen of Organizing for the three of them (do the math: she’s the oldest and the only female, so she always ruled them, for sure), she sort of took offense to it, and pushed, pushed, pushed, and I think we did it for like one more year, and then I pushed to put a kabash on it. Fast forward: about 12 years later (which would be about 3 years ago), when between the three siblings, there were 3 spouses and 8 children, my sister-in-law waited until just the right moment… and sprung it on us again. And I think we fought it for one more year, until the year when I quit my corporate job to start the company. And then, it was so passive aggressive, I couldn’t stand it: We were TOLD in an e-mail, in about July! So, now with a fledgling company and money flowing out like water to get established, I was more than happy to comply with the Queen’s insistence (though I never told her that, we just never answered the e-mail). And this year, I NAGGED her to get us the drawing names, so we could get started on our 6 presents early.

Now, here’s the funny thing. There are a LOT of family politics around this. And if you’re going to do a drawing, then just do a drawing.

I must digress a minute here, so you understand a little bit about my in-law family politics (to which I’m convinced NOONE in this world is impervious). Way back in ancient history, when I was first with my husband and then first married to him, there were never really any issues. However, as time went on, a few things became toxic:

• The Christmas I was first pregnant with my oldest (1995), we were flying out to Minnesota to tell the family, because she was a surprise, and we hadn’t yet been trying. I was 2 months pregnant at the time, and though never nauseous (I was blessed), I was pretty tired most of the time. Now, we had told everyone the first day we were there, so they KNEW of my condition. On Christmas day, after dinner, I was so tired I could drop. After I ate dinner, I went out to the livingroom and sat with my husband, his brother, and my mother-in-law’s companion at the time. Apparently, this was a HUGE offense to my sister-in-law, who just COULDN’T believe I wouldn’t be in the kitchen helping “the women” clean up. HAH! Are you kidding me? First of all, I have never been of the belief that THE WOMEN exclusively should clean up after dinner, and the men get to go play and do whatever. What kind of nonsense is that? Secondly, I was a guest in that house, and I was always taught growing up that you take care of your guests; if they volunteer to help with something fine, if not, that’s OK, too, IT’S JUST NOT EXPECTED — I don’t expect it in my home! Thirdly, for God’s sakes, I WAS PREGNANT. And tired. They were lucky I wasn’t nauseous, or I would’ve been throwing up and elsewhere, too!!So, you might ask, how is this relevant? Well, the Queen (to recap: my sister-in-law) found this so offensive that she didn’t talk to my husband or me for something like 4 years. I’m not kidding. She made a huge character judgment call on me for that. And even funnier: She never TOLD either my husband or me that she was mad about that particular incident until 4 years later. Can you spell psycho, boys and girls? My husband sort of gave her a break: She’d been in a car accident shortly before I’d met him, and had some minor residual brain damage, causing epilepsy and severe mood swings, so he just shrugged it off as mental, anyway. Plus, as he was never particularly close with her, it really didn’t phase him too much.
• When my husband married me, any remote chance (in their minds) of him moving back to Nowhere, MN were eliminated, as I came from Long Island, NY, and knew I would never survive for a MONTH without killing myself in that town of less than 1000.  For goodness’ sake — MY HIGH SCHOOL had more people in it than my husband’s home town did!!!! Here’s his dirty little secret (which I made him relay to them at multiple points over the last 15 years, but they never really got it): A large part of the reason he joined the US Navy instead of go to a nearby college is because HE WANTED OUT OF DODGE. He had no motivation whatsoever of living his life in that area, because the only real available life was as a farmer, and noone ever seemed to actually GO SOMEWHERE — that is, besides the Black Hills in South Dakota (which weren’t all that far away, since the town was about a half hour from the SD border). But no matter what he’s told them over the years, I’M the reason he never went back to the small town life. And to them – especially his sister - I’ve basically become the anti-Christ because of it.
• I’m strong-willed, independent, and I have no problem speaking my mind. That’s completely opposite of small-town Minnesota life, where no one really TALKS about problems — much more so the weather and how the corps will do this year. Really. It was actually documented in the HYSTERICAL book, How to Speak Minnesotan, which my father-in-law gave me one of the first years I was with my husband. Now, THAT’S  good gift, see what I mean? Just a little thought behind it… I loved it! It helped me to understand that sub-culture very well.  Anyway, as the Queen is the Queen, she didn’t like SOMEONE ELSE with the potential to be Queen with one of her brothers, because that just decreased her power. My husband is sometimes a chameleon — “OK, whatever, I don’t agree, but I just don’t feel like making waves” — especially with his family (and it’s much easier to be that way when you’re halfway across the country), so it’s been me speaking for the both of us for these years. So, I guess I’ve become the naysayer.
• My brother-in-law (my husband’s brother) has always been fly-by-night, inconsistent, and changes his mind like the wind (but when he’s stuck on something, it must be HIS WAY). Thus, his 20-year stint with the US Navy was perfect for him; he had a solid, regular paycheck, and was excused for being all over the place. Plus, the Queen absolutely adores THAT brother (as my husband has always said, since they were adults, he’s always remembered her following after her OTHER brother like a puppy dog, no matter how crazy his scheme, yet barely given my husband the time of day). Yet, he had a shotgun marriage the first time around, had 2 children, got divorced, and married his current wife the year I met my husband. And let me say here, I absolutely ADORE her! We hit it off from the first time we met, and she has been my sanity in the family when I’ve started feeling like I’m crazy! Her biggest downfall: she’s a mushpot, and has usually put my brother-in-law’s crazy whims above her wants. But she has done a WONDERFUL job over the years putting up with his crazy ex-wife and his unfortunate first 2 children (they now have 3 of their own, today making his branch 5); she’s been reminded over and over through the years that she’s just the nasty stepmother, though now that those 2 children are adults and living near THEM, the relationship has seemed to mature. Anyway, those two children, as they were moved to Iowa with their mother, and went to stay with their father during school breaks wherever he was living, have sort of been a little bit of an enigma from the rest of the family,
• My husband’s sister has always been uncomfortable with my relationship with his brother’s wife; I think she feels like we have a little club or something, and that she’s excluded. Now, though I will deny that to some extent, what about the “little club” she has with her OTHER brother, and has virtually ignored my husband all these years?

So, those are the basics, anyway. I could go on and on (and I will, sometime in the future, I’m sure), but I think this is enough of the original subject to relate my point.

We have never been present to these drawings, so I don’t know this for sure, but I really think the thing is rigged. How is it that every year we’ve done this, my husband and I – the outcasts - in one form or another have gotten his brother’s first 2 children as part of our drawn names? Probably the ones we know the least. And when we ask what they like, we’re always told, “I don’t know. Get them a gift card.” Since I like to give meaningful presents, that just makes the whole thing sort of a bummer. Because I think every time we’ve done that, especially in the past few years, we’ve just gotten them a gift card to Best Buy or Barnes and Noble, and that was that.

Not that I’m complaining about our niece and nephew; it just seems that we would like some variety, and it really does seem that every year, we get them both! And it seems my sister-in-law’s younger son gets his preferred choice (though, of course, I could never PROVE it). I really like getting for the kids, and really miss out that I can’t get for them, as it won’t be long before they’ve outgrown the fun. So I’d like a variety, and different people every year, which is part of what that drawing is supposed to be about.

What a hassle. I really, really hate family politics. Seriously. Can’t we just love each other, accept each other for who we are, and enjoy one another? I love to laugh at ourselves, but so many just take offense to it.

Like the Thanksgiving we broke down and went to Minnesota, and my brother-in-law got the notion that wouldn’t it be GREAT to have Thanksgiving dinner in the BOWLING ALLEY he managed at the time (for a very short period)?

But that’s another post, on another day… 

On Families and Visits, Part I

Here I go. Down the “family” path. I knew I’d get here, sooner or later, because it’s always a core part of my frustration, as well as my enjoyment. And my laughs, too, I guess, since I’ve grown up and realized how quirky we ALL are!

So here’s my beef for today (and quite honestly, many a day), that I must vent SOMEWHERE, because it’s been under my skin for YEARS.

We live in the beautiful state of North Carolina. Truly beautiful. Gorgeous mountains and breathtaking ocean. A solid four equal seasons, and no crazy 20 below temperatures from up north in the wintertime. It’s exactly what my husband and I wanted when we decided to live here.

So, get it? We love the state we live in. We’re proud to be living here. And with a 5+ bedroom house (and only 3 occupied), we have plenty of room to accommodate visitors. However, regardless of the size of our families, it’s rare that we have any. In fact, after being together 15 years, my husband’s brother and his family came to visit for the FIRST TIME this past June (though I do have to say that his brother had come, as a side action to business, a handful of times over the years) . Other interesting statistics:

• The last time my father-in-law came to see us and his grandchildren was…. well, let’s see… I THINK 5 years ago;
• Last time my sister and her family visited from New York: 8 years ago (though I did have a brief visit from her and her husband 5 years ago);
• Last (and ONLY) time my husband’s sister and her family visited: 3 or 4 years ago (I can’t quite remember).

I do have to inject here that both Moms are somewhat regular visitors — there’s no beef here with them! 

For the first five years I was with my husband, we/I traveled all over the place visiting — a chunk of his family lived (and continues to live in) western/rural Minnesota, and for four years, I worked for an international company based outside of Minneapolis. So, whenever I had a business trip to the Cities, I would make it a point to go see them. We’ve even taken two trips over the years all the way to Alaska to see his brother (who now lives in Minnesota, too). Also, when we first met, we lived in upstate New York, so a weekend jaunt to Long Island to see my family (my sister and hers, as well as other family, at the time, who currently mostly live in Virginia now) was common.

I never thought much of it at the time, because we lived in apartments (though nice, spacious ones), and if someone came to visit, great, if not, I figured that once we “settled down” into a house someplace, they’d come. So when we moved down to North Carolina and bought a house — roomy and in a beautiful, much more pleasant climate — we were sure we’d have a more regular cast of visitors.

Hah, to that!

Now, there are many thoughts the casual onlooker might have, including that no one likes us and/or that we make visits a nightmare. Besides the fact that it’s an adult fact of life that visits with the family are SUPPOSED to be a nightmare (because what would we talk about about when we got back???), when people have come, they actually (seem to) have a good time. We’re very cognizant of planning adequate entertainment and menus (and I do have to say both my husband and I are pretty good cooks), and our house has plenty of room. So, we’ve just started categorizing the phenomenon as “things that make you go, ‘hmmm..’”!

Isn’t there some kind of tally book somewhere that checks off every time you go and visit, and keeps tabs on when it’s time for the parties to switch obligations? Because I swear, when accounting for  my husband and I visiting his and my families in the first 4 years of being together, I would say that (besides his mother) ALL of their COLLECTIVE visits to us in the subsequent 10 years don’t even come close — not that we’re keeping tabs, or anything!

Now, one theory that many people in our lives have had is that because most of my husband’s family lives in a small town, they really don’t like to leave, because the whole world for them exists there in that town (I feel the lead weight on my chest just thinking about that). However, counterpoint:

My husband’s brother was in the USN until 2005; he stayed in for his full 20 (while my husband felt that 6 we enough for him). In the last 7 years, he did a stint out of San Diego and then Colorado Springs, and ended up back in Alaska. And one of the biggest points of contention that my husband has had is that it seems that everyone — his dad and sister included — repeatedly went to visit his brother, no matter where he roamed, while NO ONE came to visit us, especially while he was in the USN. And it irritated me very much, especially because I knew it upset him. Because you know, it wasn’t like visiting his brother was some great thing, tactically. Granted, in Alaska, it was ALASKA, but they were staying in a little cabin that was a little tight for more than 2 people, and neither his brother or his brother’s wife cooked, so any time we needed food, we had to plan to basically drive the half hour into town to get something to eat. BUT NOTE HERE, WE WERE OK WITH THAT. We just don’t understand why it was so much more attractive for a visit, and what in the world would make it so dreadful to visit us.

Another small home town comment (no offense intended, because there are perks to living anywhere): Honestly, we’d think (WE meaning my husband included, who grew up there) that since there’s really not a lot that goes on there, that they would embrace the opportunity to “escape” for a little bit, and take the excuse to visit to see someplace and someone else. I know that one time I spent a full 2 weeks there with my husband in February, and quite honestly, by day 4, I was climbing the walls with boredom. Can you say claustrophobia, boys and girls? That’s why my husband won’t even LOOK AT the TV show October Road — it’s just too mindblowingly familiar to him, and he can’t believe that the show is coming back again, because, from his real experience, all they’ll do is the same thing over and over, and everyone will talk about everyone else, and not much will change. So who would want to watch that on TV???

The “small town” theory also doesn’t stand up to my sister, either, although since I grew up on Long Island, I do know that people there generally think that Long Island and Manhattan is the Center of the Universe, and there is no place better. Plus, she and her family actually have, in the past, taken trips all over, including to Virginia — just 3.5 hours from us — to visit our grandparents. Just really, not here. Funny, because I think of all of those years of visiting her house, cramped with 4 children and a bunch of animals, and I never had a problem with it.

So, I don’t get it. WE don’t get it.

Also, here’s the REALLY funny part. When we do get visitors, we tend to get them at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME. August is the month we have tended to get the most visitors, over the years. So, think about it — do you really want to go SOUTH in August? Yes, we have 4 solid, wonderful seasons, and my husband and I love the heat, but there are 3 months we wouldn’t recommend… July-August and February. July and August, for those whose blood has not thinned out (as well as for those whose blood HAS thinned out), is pretty brutal — August is typically when we have 100+ degree F days fairly regularly, with about 95% humidity. So, obviously, all of the outdoors stuff — of which there’s a LOT — is usually not a consideration. And, though February CAN be rather pleasant, it is also the time of year when it can be 60 degrees one day, and then 30 with an ice storm the next. Pretty volatile.

Anyway, that leaves 9 months of the year. Yet, everyone thinks that those 3 months are when they need to get those plane tickets!

So we feel badly, because we never seem to get to do the really nice things in NC when people visit, most of which are outside. And then, we wonder if the conversation when they get back is how miserable NC is, and why on earth someone would want to live there is beyond them…

Forget about the MN experience of mind-numbingly cold 20+ below degree winters with wind chill beyond humanly habitable, and enough humidity in the summer to have swarms of mosquitos being known to carry small children away… I have a problem wanting to visit a place where, during the winter, one of the biggest boasts I’ve heard is, “It was so cold out that if you spit from your front door, it would freeze by the time it hit the ground.” Now, THERE’S an attraction! Then we inevitably get the question, ”So, why don’t you come visit for the holidays?” 

Usually, we respond, “Why don’t YOU come visit for the holidays?”

 :::SIGH:::  Gotta love them, right?