The Road to Recovery… Is Much More Than One Event

I easily walked 2 miles today, without soreness or pain. Why, you ask, would that be a big deal? Mostly because I just had ACL replacement surgery (as well as other work) in my right knee just 3.5 weeks ago.

That’s right. Just 3.5 weeks ago. In surgery involving cutting a “new” ACL, threading it, screwing it in, and closing me up.

After 2 years of working out on an injured knee in Tae Kwon Do and other various activities (including getting through my 1st and 2nd degree black belt tests), I finally decided to get it fixed on August 12th. I had been made to understand it was quite a mess, including an ACL and menisci tear, as well as some bone spurs.

Let me tell you that I’m no stranger to knee injury! I had my other ACL replaced in 2005, and had to get some meniscus work done in that knee earlier this year. So I knew exactly what to expect from surgery… I had a great, quick recovery (I was back to TKD in 8 weeks last time), I figured with the mess in there, recovery would be a bit longer this time.

I’ve totally proven myself wrong, and I should again be back in TKD by October.

Here’s the timeline thus far: The day after surgery, I dumped the Percocet (hate that stuff, I’ll never go more than a few doses of it in the MOST dire of emergencies) and switched over to ibuprofen (Advil). 48 hours after surgery, I dumped the immobolizer and the crutches, and used a cane… for about 24 hours. Then I dumped that, too. When I went to physical therapy 2 days after surgery, I got grief for not wearing the immobilizer (my response was, “Well, the doc told me that I only had to wear it until I could bear weight on it… and I can do that fine now!”). However, surprise surprise when I could bend my knee to almost 100 degrees – which is typically the goal 2-3 weeks out! At 1 week, I wasn’t even walking with a limp anymore… and a bend check measured me at 123 degrees, with almost complete extension already (I will also note here that my doctor told me that I may not ever get full extension in that knee again… proved him wrong! ). At my 9-day follow-up with my surgeon, he was (and I never use this word) absolutely tickled about my speedy recovery. Now I’m at 3.5 weeks out, and I’m on the elliptical (no resistance), starting to walk/jog again, working out on the Wii Fit, and actually did weapons practice for about an hour-and-a-half yesterday — with no pain (I was just a bit tired last night!).

So, am I lucky? I would say that’s part of it. I have always been a quick healer. Also, I hate going to doctors, but my orthopaedic surgeon is 3 for 3 successful surgeries with me and my knees… therefore, I would recommend him to ANYONE who needs ortho help (here’s his info: Dr. Derek Reinke, Cary Orthopaedics: http://www.caryortho.com/physicians_sms.html#06).

But I believe there’s a LOT more than luck to it!

I continue to be amazed at how absolutely wonderful I feel just 3.5 weeks out from surgery, as are most people I know (including my orthopaedist and physical therapist). I had a quick recovery last time, but I remember still having a lot of soreness (there’s VERY little right now) and swelling (nonexistent today!) at this point for the first ACL. I’ve reflected A LOT as to what’s helping me along on this recovery, and I’m going to tell you what I think – what I know – directly contributes to this amazing story… first reminding you that I’m 40 years old, not a professional athlete, and regardless of my healthy habits, do (thanks to my aging metabolism) need to lose about 20 lbs:

• Eat natural, organic, and healthy. I REALLY started looking at food labels about 7 years ago, when I needed to find the cause and solution for migraines. In that process, I learned that migraines are often tied to digestive sensitivities and toxins built up in your system. So, I did a real detoxification with a naturopath (another wonderful pic: Dr. Maurice Werness, http://www.wernesswellness.com/). A note: You know all those “magical lose-weight detox shakes” out there? Don’t use them without going to an integrative Western physician or naturopathic physician to work out a personalized program for you. Otherwise, you’re wasting your time and money. I did a full detox program for my system, and it was long-term and worked wonderfully – without risking my health. I also found out that part of my problem was due to sensitivity to cow dairy, especially in combination with other protein foods.I know everyone hates to hear this, but we (meaning I did this with my husband and two kids as well — because I love them) cut out the junk, and really just went back to basics. By junk, here’s what I mean:

• NO “STANDARD” FAST FOODS. We don’t go to McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Hardee’s, or Jack-in-the-Box. We just don’t do it. If we must do fast food, we’ll go to a sub shop, get it on whole wheat, and stay away from the fatty subs… as well as cheese and mayo (though I will get “a little” of the lite mayo). Don’t tell me that kids can’t live without fast foods — mine won’t eat them anymore, because the last 2 times they had food from one of those places, they had sick stomachs for the rest of the day… and at 11 and 13, have no desire for it!
• No high fructose corn syrup. There is the occasion when we have absolutely no choice, but otherwise, it doesn’t exist in our household. We only get 100% fruit juices, watch the labels, and we shop at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods — stores that don’t allow it as an ingredient in the food on their shelves.
• No partially hydrogenated oils. Ditto above.
• No “whites.” We don’t eat white rice, white bread, white flour, or use granulated (white) sugar. Whole grain and unrefined are key, and are so much healthier for your longer-term energy. My kids are so used to this, that when they go over to other people’s houses and have white bread – or even the commercialized “honey wheats” that are out there – they tell me that the bread is nasty and has no taste to it. We even use sweeteners that are more natural – raw, unrefined sugar or dehydrated cane juice, or raw (unprocessed), local honey.
• Watch what’s put into the meat you eat! I would never tell people that vegetarian or vegan is the only way to go — I love my meat too much (as does the rest of my family). However, know what the animal was fed or given! Free range, grain fed and NO HORMONES, if you can possibly help it! I know the beef is more spendy with that requirement, but folks, FYI, it’s illegal in the United States for poultry to be injected with antibiotics or hormones (all that labeling you see? Marketing!).
• Eat colorful foods. Eat fruits and veggies. Period. No way around it! If you really can’t seem to get the 7 servings per day that you’re supposed to, take a supplement made from fruits and veggies (NOT chemical substitutes), like Berry Green powder (http://www.4allvitamins.com/product_info.php/products_id/408%7B1%7D4) and/or JuicePlus (https://www.juiceplus.com/nsa/content/Home.soa?site=gw44091). Also, I’m going to say this again: Go natural/organic! No man-made, dangerous chemicals or pesticides.
• Choose your vices, and do the best with them that you can. I love ice cream, period. Due to my cow dairy sensitivities, I don’t drink milk anymore (I love almond milk, though!), or eat a lot of standard cheese (I love goat cheese, though, which doesn’t cause me problems). However, I really, really love my ice cream! So, though I’ve just had to accept the fact that I will never give it up, I do the best I can: we make our own ice cream with our awesome Cuisinart ice cream maker — and we use organic cream, 1% milk, evaporated cane juice sugar, and organic/natural ingredients. Still a vice, but not AS bad!

• Exercise! Turn off the TV and DO something! You don’t have to be a martial arts freak like my family and me, but even if you talk a 30-minute brisk walk every day, they’ve shown that it does a lot for your overall health. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Park further back in the parking lot, instead of vying for a space up front. Also, since our kids were little, we just don’t have the TV on during the day. At all. OK, on the weekends, we’ll watch a movie if we’re home, but we find plenty else to do otherwise. We never allowed video games until this past year, when we got the Wii, but even most of the games we have for the Wii make you have to DO something — like the Fit, Outdoor Adventure, and Sports Resort. It also keeps us doing stuff together.I partially attribute my quick bounce back from surgery to the long-term development of my muscles from  the Tae Kwon Do and other activity built into my everyday life.
• Do what you can to put only natural and healthy things onto and into your body; minimize the manmade chemicals! Try eco-friendly, natural soaps and detergents… and try to get organic materials when you can. If you look at a lotion bottle, and half the label consists of 12+ letter chemical words on the ingredients list, use something else. The skin is the largest organ in your body, and absorption through the skin is one of the most direct ways of getting something into your bloodstream, meaning bad chemicals aren’t just applied to your skin… they are absorbed directly into your bloodstream (think DEET in most commercial bug sprays!!). Keep that in mind! It takes some research, but there are plenty of other ways to handle different skin situations (including bug repellants – try rubbing some fresh rose-scented geranium leaves on your skin, which smell a lot better and do just as good a job) — even sunscreens!
• Watch it with Western pharmaceuticals. My naturopathic doctor put it really well in a conversation we had once: Holistic medicine – which is the philosophy of Eastern medicine, and has been around for thousands of years – is great for the equivalent of 0-60 mph. It’s preventative, and allows the body to deal better with the shock of something above that 60mph mark – where Western medicine has a definite stronghold. So keep that in mind when dealing with today’s Western medicine. There are too many doctors out there today who would rather just put a Band-Aid on a symptom instead of fixing the cause. Only take what you have to, and watch carefully for over-medication! For example, I went to a quack of a dermatologist several years back when I was on the tail end of an allergic hives rash. I know that when I do get those rashes (I have sensitive skin), they’re usually gone in about 2 weeks. It had been 7-10 days since the outbreak. Even with the rash fading, she prescribed an outrageous amount of Prednisone, and also told me to take a Zyrtec in the morning and an Allegra at night. A bit overkill, wouldn’t you think? I never used anything but a few Allegra, and the rash was still gone in a few more days… without other side effects.
• Be in control of your situation… vs. letting a situation control you. Do the best with what you have, and always strive for something more. If I would have just accepted what the doctor told me when I originally had my first ACL replaced, I wouldn’t have pushed myself so hard to get back to TKD. I faced the soreness and discomfort by working on it constantly during recovery. Even this time, the day after the surgery, when I had the immobilizer on (basically, a full ankle-to-hip splint), I was lifting the left myself in the immobilizer to move, to adjust, to get onto and off the bed/couch. When my physical therapist told me to do 3 reps of 15 of a certain exercise at home every day, I’d do 4 reps of that exercise… and 2x/day, if I could manage it. I quit taking the narcotics the day after surgery, and instead used ibuprofen to deal with discomfort and swelling… and I think my body adjusted more quickly and I was able to cope better mentally in a shorter period of time because of it. I self-monitored the dose, lowered it as I could, and by this past week, when I hit 3 weeks post-op, I stopped taking the Advil altogether. Only on days like yesterday, when I could feel the achiness settling in (after overdoing it a little bit), I took a few to cut that off at the pass.
• Learn to listen to your body, and find the natural  bodywork that works for you. I started craniosacral therapy shortly before I worked with a naturopath on the detoxification to naturally combat migraines without having to pop pills for the rest of my life. I’ve gotten so much more out of it than the original intention! My craniosacral therapist (another wonderful practitioner… Lisa Werness, http://www.wernesswellness.com) has been able to help me combat my joint injuries from the Tae Kwon Do, and really has helped with my body alignment to minimize pain from those injuries and prevent others. Also, I don’t get migraines anymore! I used to have one every other week or so… I’ve been seeing her for about 7 or 8 years now, and in that time, I think I’ve had 2 migraines through that whole period! I also get regular massages (which relax the muscles – and mind -  while helping to detoxify your body of built up toxins), and I’ve recently discovered the wonders of acupuncture (another great plug here, for my awesome acupuncturist: Fran Ammons, LAc http://www.acupuncturenc.com), for everything from rashes to bad bruising to minimalization of discomfort and sickness.The point is, there are many, many non-prescription options to dealing with your bodily woes. And yet, there are times when you must take pharmaceuticals. Just find a healthy balance of how to use the best of both Eastern and Western medicines to keep your body in the best shape possible.

So, there you have it. I’ve wanted to write this blog for awhile, because I’ve had so many people ask me why I thought I’ve had such an awesome, quick recovery thus far. But beyond this surgery, I look at my family’s overall health — looking at our habits, and how we really focused on healthy diet and living for the past 7 or 8 years, and I will say this: The best testament is every year when my kids go to their pediatrician for their annual checkup, and the doctor looks at the charts and says, “Well… I haven’t seen you since this time last year.”

Enough said. Can you put a dollar amount on that kind of quality of life? Think about it!

I’m sure this all seems like a lot to take in. Many people might say, “This is SO MUCH… how could I even start?” Well, we did. Little by little. We just made a conscious effort to do SOMETHING today. It’s just baby steps… and a decision to make it better (whatever that is).  Because that’s the only way we, as a society, will get ourselves back to better health… and a better planet!

May the Road Rise Up to Meet You…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

R.I.P. Anthony T. Gill 1921-2008

I was so blessed to be there when my grandfather passed away a few weeks ago! He’d been so frustrated and so trapped in his body with advanced Parkinson’s (and then at the end, lung cancer as well) — see my blog Please Take Him Soon, from November 2007 — that it was truly a gift not only to be able to see that face free of frustration and sadness after so long, but also to actually see the peace on his face right after he passed on, as he was such a special person to me!

As an adult, he told me many times of the fact that I had been the only baby in the family it seemed he was allowed to hold and nurture — all the women had otherwise taken the reins for all the others, and I could tell that it had been very special to him. So I guess I took great pleasure in being there when he went, because I always felt more bonded with him than with many others.

And now, I do miss him, and I guess I’ve just started to really reflect on my memories with him over the years. My sister, always the one wanting the pomp and circumstance of things, volunteered to do a eulogy, and has asked me to send her memories she can incorporate into her speech. I guess I’ve resisted that quite a bit, because my memories are very personal to me, and it’s hard to pull things out into bullets when the whole picture adds up to more than the sum of its parts. So I figured I’d write out the swirls of thought forming a picture in my head, and she can take what she needs, though I feel like it would be difficult to adequately and effectively incorporate this into someone else’s perspective.

Feeling isolated and lonely — a forgotten child in my family’s sea of deep complexities during a very, very serious period (again, see the earlier blog, listed above) – Grandpa was always the one who paid attention to me. My sister had tight bonds with my grandmother and great-grandmother, and my mother was busy being a single struggling mom in the ’70s and ’80s and not around a lot. And I had no siblings close in age to me (my sister was 6.5 years older). So I often felt l was just this added annoyance and a pain to everyone… except Grandpa.

He was a light in the grayness of many days of my childhood, and though I’m sure there were times when he just wanted to relax and unwind after a day/week at work, he never made me feel like I was an unwanted presence anytime I’d go upstairs to see him. He would always give me the big, wet “Grandpa smooch” and show interest in my day, or what was going on with me. He most always seemed cheerful in my presence, and often gave me the lift I guess I subconsciously needed.

He was a WONDERFUL storyteller, too! He loved history, and had been in WWII himself. Some of my most cherished childhood memories were at family gatherings, when I’d park myself by Grandpa and my (grand-)Uncle Tommy — who had been in WWII, as well — and in the fog created by a mixture of cigarette smoke and the smell of beer, listen to them talk about their war stories, and get into debates about which was more important/better/you name it — the Army or the Navy (as Grandpa had been in the Army and Uncle Tommy had been in the Navy). I LOVED those times! When Uncle Tommy passed away in the mid-’80s, Grandpa so missed their debates that while waiting for Uncle Tommy’s inurnment at Arlington Cemetary, I’ve been told countless times about how he’d take Uncle Tommy’s ashes out and talk to him (as he and my grandmother were keeping the ashes for my aunt during that period).

History was definitely not my favorite subject in school, but Grandpa made it come alive for me. There were many times I would go up to see him just to get some clarification on something, to help me with my homework, studies, a project, or just about anything. I recall him spending several hours once explaining the Truman Airlift to me, because I had to cover it for a report… and I was so enthralled in his account that I barely wrote notes, but was easily able to recall almost everything he told me afterwards, and cited him as a historical resource in my paper. I think he missed his calling as some sort of history teacher, because I would’ve done much better in the subject at school with a teacher like him!

He patiently tolerated me practicing the piano downstairs and would regularly listen to my flute progress, as well…. while repeatedly reminding me that he played the fife long ago, himself. He also had a penchant for music, too — another bond I had with him — and loved when he took up the concertina and accordion. Proud of his Irish heritage, he would joke about one day learning the bagpipes… though I’m sure it was my grandmother who steered him clear of that!

At larger family gatherings, such as anniversaries, landmark birthdays, and weddings, Grandpa often seemed to be the life of the party. There are more than several occasions I remember Grandpa leading the Conga line on the dance floor, and dancing with me, too. He was great at telling humorous stories  and jokes, as well, and naturally attracted people to him in those settings because of the sparkle in his eye and smirk on his face.

I know I didn’t see him much during my mid-teen years — as is typical, I guess — but after I’d moved out of the house and been on my own for awhile, I forged a whole new relationship with my grandparents. It was then that I was able to sit and listen to Grandpa talk about our Irish heritage, and he would tell me about the historical research he’d done on his family over in Ireland. In fact, stored in the depths of the crawlspace of my house is a booklet of information he sent me — unsolicited – years ago, after I’d gotten married and settled down, which contained a detailed account of what he’d found… which I cherish.

As an adult, I became more interested in the history of things — or should I say the mystery of things — and I would still love to puzzle with Grandpa about a wide variety of subjects, from random facts of little importance to the historical vs. Biblical findings of the life and times of Jesus. He loved having someone with whom to puzzle over such things — it was like going on an exploration together – and I quickly learned that I shouldn’t debate with him unless I had researched and was well prepared to go to battle! These kind of conversations always drove me to learn more, and I thank him for spurring me on to look at the actual history and related accounts behind any story.

I also learned of his quirks and biases as well. First of all, he was very biased in terms of being Irish. I found out there had been quite a few family scuffles over the years regarding his view of the non-Irish ethnic background of someone or the other. However, I myself never really noticed that until I was dating my husband, and I’d brought him for a weekend to meet the family. Scott already had a bonus in Grandpa’s book — he’d heard that Scott was in the Navy — and at that point, I’m sure he’d been chomping at the bit to talk military for about 7 years (since it had been that long since Uncle Tommy had died). So, the next all-important question was presented in this not-as-subtle-as-he-thought way:

“So, Scott, what’s your last name?”

I remember laughing abruptly, and Grandpa looked at me all wide-eyed, as if he didn’t understand why I was laughing. Before Scott answered, I remember cutting in and saying, “Coulter, Grandpa… is that Irish enough for you?” Though he denied his intention for a moment, I quickly saw that mischievious sparkle in his eyes, and then he laughed too, acknowledging his exposure. Once that was settled, he progressed right into asking a million questions about his experience in the Navy… and that was the end of that!

Another quirk of my grandfather that always caused me to laugh — of course, after everything was deemed OK – was the fact that he was a bona fide clutz. He was constantly hurting himself due to various accidents! I remember him breaking his foot once when falling off a ladder while working on an A/C wall unit in the house I grew up in. He’d trip, fall, bang into things, you name it… that was just Grandpa. Personally, I think it was directly related to the fact that he was always thinking, thinking, thinking about some other topic or subject instead of focusing on the matter at hand. One time, when I was 16, I remember him driving me to my part-time job at a nearby mall, and he got so involved in a conversation with me that he blew right through 3 or 4 stop signs and red lights on the way, causing me to wonder if I was going to arrive there in one piece! When I said something (after about the 2nd stop sign he missed), he just laughed it off in his impish way and said something along the lines of, “Did I? Well, it doesn’t matter. There wasn’t anything coming the other way, anyway.”

Shortly after we’d moved to Virginia, my grandparents and grand-aunt followed suit, sold their houses and moved to an apartment right up the block from us. At that point, it had been 9 years since I’d lived in the same house and 8 years since I’d lived any closer to my immediate family than  a 3.5-hour drive, so I admit it was great to have them a long walk away. I had my first child right after they moved down; shortly after getting home from the hospital, I brought her to their apartment and, remembering how he’d gushed about being able to hold me as a baby, went straight to Grandpa and handed her to him. How stiff he was, but how happy! And again, I heard him recount how I’d been the first baby he’d been “allowed” to hold, now with the next generation in his arms. I have a picture from not too long after, when my sister and her family were visiting, when we took a picture of Grandma and Grandpa with all of the 5 of them. My oldest is in his arms, and the picture just caught the right moment as he was looking down at the baby, with that same combination of stiffness/nervousness and happiness that I remember.

I was sad to have to move away about 4 months later, because I’d actually enjoyed being close to them again. However, we were still within a 3.5-hour drive, so we visited as frequently as we could, and my daughters adored him! He would let them sit on his lap and share his snacks with him, whether or not we approved. Before the Parkinson’s set in too badly, he taught the girls how to play Mario Brothers on Nintendo, and that was a joy and the cause of many bouts of laughter in itself! He would heave his body back and forth with the controls, so much that one time my mother called to let me know he’d had quite an accident and banged his head because he’d been playing the game, got so excited playing it, and missed the edge of the bed he’d been sitting on when jumping up and down and landed on the floor, hitting the edge of a desk or table on the way (again, back to the clutz factor…).

As the Parkinson’s took hold of him, and his mobility and communication skills declined more and more, I would sit with patience while he struggled to get the words out, wanting so badly to relive the way we’d discussed things years before. That was painful for me, but I hung on to it, knowing it wouldn’t be a very long time until I wouldn’t have the luxury of his voice at all anymore. Though he couldn’t move to play with the girls, I could see his delight in them by the look in his eyes when we paid a visit. However, he still had a sense of humor, and I always found a way to laugh with him that came easily.

Though we knew his time was short, when the time came, he actually dove downhill very quickly. About a week before he died, my mother called to let me know he’d basically been confined to his bed, he’d stopped eating, and they didn’t think it would be long. I toiled over whether or not to go and make one final visit, because I knew how bad he looked, and that it really wasn’t him that I would see — especially when I knew he’d become skeletal and somewhat comatose and unaware.

Unfortunately, the commitments of business ownership had prevented me from visiting since February — on my birthday — and I sort of liked the idea of that visit being my last one with Grandpa. Because, regardless of how terrible he looked or felt or how little he could communicate in discussion, he was able to sing “Happy Birthday” to me almost perfectly, without a stutter, hesitation, or hiccup. And because of that, he must’ve sang it to me at least a half dozen times that day — it became sort of a joke between us, because every once in awhile, I’d lean towards him and say, “Grandpa, I’m feeling sort of unloved at the moment. I think I need someone to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me right about now…” which would cause him to burst into another robust round. (Today I wish I would’ve recorded it on my cell phone. I enjoyed myself so much that day that I didn’t even think of it until afterwards…. what a great way to remember him!)

In the end, I decided to go, but would wait until that Saturday afternoon to make the trip. My sister made it down from NY earlier in the week, and there was a really good chance he wouldn’t make it through until I made it there. I was OK with that; again, the last time I’d seen him, I’d told him I loved him, and had really enjoyed seeing him. Plus, regardless of not having it recorded, I can still hear him singing “Happy Birthday” in my head, and I won’t forget it anytime soon.

But I went, and he was still hanging on. I looked at him there, in the bed, a shriveled up shadow of the grandfather I’ve loved so much since I was a little girl, held his hand, looked in his glazed over and half open eyes, told him I loved him, and that the girls loved him, and kissed him… and knew that deep down, I really had wanted to see him one more time, and was glad I had made it.

That next morning, he died. I’d literally stepped down to my grand-aunt’s apartment down the hall to tell her where things were, and he died about 2 minutes later. And when I went back in afterwards to say goodbye, it was all summed up his face. Peace and freedom, at last.

Now, I remember when I was somewhere around 17 or 18, and a very good friend of mine lost her grandmother, who was “off-the-boat” Irish. I went to the funeral, and marveled at the party-like atmosphere of the family’s get-together afterwards. I remember recounting it to Grandpa, who told me that was the way the Irish did it — that it was time to celebrate the life of the person who’d just passed on instead of mourning them. In fact, he told me, “…when I die, that’s what I want… sit me up in the corner, put a beer in my hand, and have a big party!” And I know he said it a multitude of times throughout the years, as well. And, though it is his turn for the pomp and circumstance of the funeral at Arlington Cemetary at the end of the month, I’m sure most in the family will remember him that way, and though we won’t be able to prop him up in a corner, I know for sure I will have a beer in his honor after he’s put to rest.

I’m sure somewhere he and Uncle Tommy are together again, already embroiled in the next Big Debate.

Rest in peace, Grandpa. You will always be in my heart, in my joy, and in my humor. And thank you.

Things I’d Write to My Younger Self

I’m stealing this idea from my favorite morning radio show, Bob and Sheri, where Sheri Lynch wrote on this subject (see www.bobandsheri.com). I really loved it, and it got me thinking…  hmmm, what would I say if I were to write a letter to my younger self, from say, maybe 22 or so years ago, when I was in the height of teenage confusion, rebellion, and (self-)destruction? Here’s a try:

Dear Me,

It’s me, sending you a letter from 22 years in the future. Pushing 40!!! Yikes! I know you think that’s a faraway place, but it will be here before you know it — take it from me.

Anyway, yes, we make it this far. And quite a bit goes on between now and then! I know, I know, you have a thousand questions, and you’re just DYING to know what happens! I won’t spoil it; you must live it for yourself, because that’s what makes us what we become (which is a good thing). Plus, then it won’t be any “fun”!

However, I will give you a few words of wisdom from our experience:

• Learn how to laugh — really laugh — sooner. It feels really good, and is a remedy for almost anything. It could easily replace that junk you’re doing, and it’s much more permanent (and much less harmful).
• If you must find a guy to be with, find one that makes you laugh, not cry. Get rid of that loser you’re with; you’ll probably have a lot more fun over the next few years if you do (I WILL give you this spoiler: the relationship WILL end, and you really will be much happier when it does. I PROMISE).
• Speaking of relationships, stop ignoring your “gut,” and go WITH it. Be more assertive and go after what you really want; don’t settle for what’s there on a plate for you if it’s not what you want. You deserve it! You do eventually figure that out and are much better for it, but PHEW! what a bumpy (and somewhat wasteful) ride along the way…
• Your parents love you, regardless of what you think. They just have their own issues – lots of them — and there is no way you can have the maturity now to understand what they are. You may not like them, but you can love them, and one day, you may lose them, and then it will be too late. Ditto for the others in your immediate family. Celebrate their quirkiness, and realize that EVERYONE’S family is quirky in one way or another!
• You are a whole lot smarter than you think.
• You are a whole lot stronger than you think.
• You are a whole lot more beautiful than you think.
• Stop wasting your time cutting classes, and get your schoolwork done! It would’ve been a lot easier (and faster) getting through college if we’d had some scholarships to help us out (this also points back to the fact that you’re a lot smarter than you think). And it really wouldn’t have taken a lot more work than you did.
• Do yoga. It helps. Everything.

So, do we end up happy? Definitely! Regardless of what you do to maybe make it a little easier, there is still a very challenging path along the way. However, I wouldn’t change that for the world; though I still wouldn’t say life’s perfect, NOBODY’S life is perfect, and the sooner you realize that, the better! Overall, though, you create the very life that deep down you really, really, want…. but are afraid to acknowledge. It will take a lot of work, but it will be worth it.

Because you’ll get here.

Why Don’t We Ever Slow Down Anymore?

 

About a month ago, I got into a car accident — my first one in 18 years. The more I thought about it, the more I thought how amazing that was, considering all the years of commuter traffic and long distance driving under my belt!

And for all the times I had rushed, jumped a lane, turned around, honked my horn… this one time — ONE TIME — I was actually NOT in a hurry! I was on time, and following the rules. Go figure. But the other person was. AND it was only a couple hundred feet from my house, on top of it (what is it they say, about a large majority of accidents happen within a mile from home?). So, inevitably, because he couldn’t wait in bumper-to-bumper traffic for another 50 feet or so, he jumped a turn lane as I was turning, and… our worlds collided.

Luckily, no one got hurt. But because that guy couldn’t wait a few more minutes — maybe even less — he didn’t get where he was going at all until much later on (but I guess with a valid excuse, then). We do so much of that in our society today. Rush, rush, rush. Come on, admit it — how many times have you balanced the wheel of your car with your knee while taking a drink of your _____ (coffee, water, or whatever) and at the same time reaching over for that piece of paper you wrote your _____’s (doctor’s office, golf buddy, or whatever) phone number on, so you can call them and tell them you’re running late because your dog got loose because you left the fence open while taking out the trash, and then you fell in the mud chasing the mutt and had to change your clothes? Or you just HAD to stop at the cleaners on your way home from work, and then ran into the home warehouse store in the next parking lot because the toilet’s been leaking for months, and if you don’t replace the part that’s broken, you’re going to take a sledgehammer and destroy the whole thing? I could come up with scenario after scenario after scenario, but you probably get the point.

Anyway, I think we are so addicted to movement and action today that we somewhere, subconsciously, overload ourselves with way too much to ever do to get it all done. Why? Because I think we’re afraid. Of what, you ask? Probably ourselves. Probably with all the minutia, all the “important” details of the day, we somewhere deep down know that about 85% of it all is useless, trivial matter that doesn’t make a hoot of difference to the world if you do it or not.

I know so many people who scan at least a half dozen news Websites, publications, and then watch the news almost every day, because they just HAVE to know everything that’s going on. I ask, why? And, the bigger question, why do they think that the news actually is talking about what’s going on?? All I ever see in the news today is sensationalism, with very little (if no) objectivism. What happened to the media providing impartial information, so we as the public could decide an opinion for ourselves?

I could not even estimate the amount of junk e-mail we get every day — on all of my family’s 14 e-mail addresses (a mix of business and personal). Isn’t that pathetic? FOURTEEN E-MAIL ADDRESSES!!!! We have spam filters set up, and yet we still get tons of advertisements, mostly from lists where we’ve “opted in.”

Why so many e-mail addresses? Most people I know have at least 3 or 4. But with SO much information in our lives, one of the only ways to try to filter that information is to compartmentalize. Otherwise, we’d never even get to the essentials.

And then there’s TV. Because I refuse to let my children grow up without using their brains (something that is scarily become more and more the norm), we don’t EVER have the TV on when they’re up, except on Sunday mornings from 8-10am (and occasionally if there’s a special movie on cable they might want to watch, like during the holiday season). Otherwise, we’ll sometimes let them watch movies. We don’t have XBox or any game system in the house, and we heavily monitor any Internet activity.

And yet, with all that in place, we still never seem to have enough time for everything we have to do. I, of course, just compound the problem with my own budding business (pun intended), because any start-up takes double time for quite awhile. But between the business, our heavy involvement in the Tae Kwon Do school we attend, and all the other details of our daily lives, I have to fight to get 6 hours of sleep at night. Which has taken a toll on my physically. How many people do you know work on their feet for at least 5-6 hours a day, usually 7 days a week, take Tae Kwon Do 3-4 times a week, teach Tae Kwon Do 1-2 times per week, and still manage to gain 20 pounds in a year-and-a-half, even though I eat very sensibly and organically? You tell me when I can fit in anything else! Before I left my corporate job, I was in my office at my desk or usually in meetings most of a 9-10 hour day. I would get up at 5am to run 3-4 times a week, but that was to compensate for me sitting on my butt. And I still had the Tae Kwon Do at night. Oh, and I did somehow manage to find the time to do yoga a couple of times of week — something that I miss with a passion these days. Same eating habits. But it seems that as I’ve gotten even busier, my metabolism’s gotten even slower.

It’s like the speed in which we live today is like an addictive drug to our systems. It is in mine, anyway. Because since today I have to move at light speed (vs. sonic speed, I guess), has my body actually SLOWED itself down to try to neutralize that?? I don’t know. It’s just pisses me off, though — even though I really don’t have time to worry about it! So now what am I doing? I’m getting up EVEN EARLIER so I can try to push in a 20 minute jaunt on the elliptical machine in my spare room upstairs. Heck, soon I won’t have time to sleep at all. Maybe I won’t miss it, then!

Here’s the saddest part: I’m far from alone. I know that. Actually, almost everyone I know has their life set at a frantic pace. What are we racing for? Where are we racing to? What’s the finish line? We keep on saying we’re going to slow down, but we never do. Are we afraid of not being in the race? I don’t know.

I do have to say that working with plants has given me a LITTLE better perspective, because plants will grow as they want to grow — you can help them along, but don’t hurry them! We should all be like that sometimes, I think. And sometimes, when I’m down there in the nursery, in utter silence except for the ventilation fans and the outside sounds of nature (or just nature, when I’m working with the plants outside), I skip a breath, because I’ll experience this moment of utter… Silence. Peace. Pace. This is especially so when I see a baby lizard sitting quietly on a basil leaf, checking me out to see if I’m a menace. Or when I watch a beautiful yellow and black field spider sitting patiently on her web, waiting for that next grasshopper to land right in her trap. Or when I see the alien-looking praying mantis drinking water from the drops on a leaf. The best was when I actually saw a hummingbird land — yes, LAND — on something to take a breather.

My next door neighbor has discovered this world, as well. He’s been sort of forced into a semi-retirement because of a bout with cancer last year. And now he takes the most breathtaking photos of these things, and more. I just wish I could bring more people I know into this world, because the moments when I’m there, it’s like I’m getting oxygen after being deprived from being under water for too long in a pool. And it’s far more beautiful than the gray, gray, gray of rush, rush, rush!

I wish I could keep myself in that world, too. But inevitably, the rest of the world will force itself back in, as soon as I go back to my office and check my e-mails, get a phone call, think of the list of the thousand things I have to do. But I have moments, and that’s what keeps me sane… at least I have those, and I didn’t have them before. I guess that it really what Eckhart Tolle is trying to say in his Power of Now teachings (you can get the basic book from Amazon.com or pretty much any other major bookstore/site), but it takes us soooo long to get there today.

What makes me saddest is that it seems we don’t have time to really have friends anymore. I mean, REAL friends. There are a few who I thought were my real friends, but I guess I was mistaking the word “friend” for “good acquaintance.” These are people who I spent years with, collaberating and commiserating through our lives’ ups and downs, professions, marriages, children, and everything else — but when I stepped out of the world we had in common, they obviously didn’t even have time to keep a compartment for me. There’s one person whom I considered a very good friend, and I thought for sure that she and I would be even closer, since she, too, had started and grown a business of her own, and knew exactly what I would be going through. I spent years standing by her side, listening to her growing business woes, giving her advice. So I thought she’d be there for me, too, since I’m now going through what she did more than a decade ago. I was obviously mistaken; I’ve seen and talked to her maybe a total of a half dozen times in the past year-and-a-half, and most conversations have been really topical. Sad. There are a few others with whom I still communicate regularly — we do lunch once a month or so and e-mail back and forth — but that is pretty much all we can spare. It’s not that I’ve gotten off of the roller coaster ride, I’ve just gotten off of the same one as theirs, and gotten onto a different one. So, for many, I understand, but for that one friend who’s been here, done this, and really SHOULD understand…. that’s the one I DON’T understand. And yet, one of my very, very best friends from my early 20’s – to clarify, someone I was close to more than 15 years ago — I can not speak with for six months, and then when we talk, it’s like I saw her yesterday.

Anyway, the point is, try to find a moment. Just one. When you can see that little lizard, or watch the patience of the spider. And then maybe you can let in other moments… just maybe we can all get to know each other again, and filter out all of that useless stuff. With our race to get more and more into our lives, and process more and more information, we’re losing ourselves and our connection with each other.

Well, I could go on and on, but I have Tae Kwon Do to get to….  

My Parenting and Other Stuff: A Prologue.

Things that make you go “hmmm…”

I think this is where I will start practicing for my book. Because I’m really going to write it. Really. And I really don’t have too much on my plate to begin with (I only need few more hours in the day — easy to find a 25th and 26th hour, right?). But I have to start somewhere, right?

So I’ll start with my kids. Two girls, 11 and 9. Growing up thus far, they’ve seen me as a busy executive, and now an even busier (if that’s possible) small business owner. Which to me, is a good thing.

Before I ever had kids, I decided that I would do my best to “do right” by them, and try to fix some of the things wrong in the world today through them. Here was my (and my husband’s) recipe, before we ever knew what gender we would have to bless our household:

• For boys:
  • Make sure they have a clue. Now, now — don’t get all up in arms! I have had quite the experience with many of the male gender in my life, as friends, best friends, lovers, and colleagues (which further break down as bosses, equals, and subordinates). And, as I’ve always loved the puzzle of pscyhology vs. sociology, feel that through reviewing many research studies as well as mentally logging my personal experience, a majority of what goes on with boys and men is really sociological. I am really tired of the testosterone excuse, and of (still) the double standards in our world today. The “stronger sex”? Oh, please! Let men have babies, and we sure would be able to take care of population control, because no one would have more than one. Anyway, one of the biggest problems boys/men face is the ability to show and share their feelings, and overcome the social mores of being interested in some of the “things” that go on with the opposite sex.
  • Make sure they understand that it takes men AND women, as partners, to make the world go around. Basically, ying and yang, and all that stuff. I am one of the extremely lucky people who found a man to marry that truly believes and practices the partnership scenario in the marriage. To him, it’s BOTH of us who make the household run, and as long as we get the results, there are no purely defined “roles” that either one of us have. He understands that throughout our lives, we will go through periods where one will overcompensate for the other, and vice versa. For example, there were quite a few years when I was traveling everywhere for my job and working very, very long hours. He had a more laid back job, and thus did most of the kids’ doctor appointments, teacher appointments, sick pickups, and anything else that came our way. He cooked dinner many nights during the week, and has always done laundry (but that’s a blog unto itself!). And now, with my own business, it’s not completely different, except that due to the nature of my business, I’m usually working about 5am-2pm in the greenhouses and on delivery, and I can do my office work flexibly in the afternoons and evenings. And now, he’s just gotten a new job that takes more of his time, so I get to do a lot of the day-to-day kid stuff, because I’m usually more flexible to fit it in. Anyway, had we had boys, I would have made it my crusade to teach them that girls really ARE equal to boys, that both show their strength in different ways, and that it’s OK for boys to wear pink and to cry and play with dolls and show and share their emotions, and that’s it also OK for girls to beat them at a soccer game or in a race or school competition.
• For girls:
  • No matter what anyone tells you, girls and boys are (at least) equal, and girls are DEFINITELY NOT subordinate to boys in any way. The biggest difference: Boys, as adults, have more physical, immediate strength. Girls have more endurance (which goes back to our bodies being built to be baby incubators), and our bodies can typically take more stress for a longer period of time. It’s proven; look at the studies.

    We also tend to solve problems differently, and sometimes one way is better than the other, but if you apply both types in the right kind of situations, that’s the best of both worlds.

    Also, blue is a great color, as are rich, dark colors. Trucks, Legos, climbing trees, playing sports, and studying lizards and just as fun (if not even more so) than playing with dolls, which is what everyone thinks little girls need to do.

  • Suck it up, and be tough. Yes, just like boys need to be more sensitive, girls can and should be tough, too. As I’m not a crier myself, I think that too many tears are wasted on things that aren’t supposed to be emotional. Also, don’t ever use your menstrual cycle as an excuse (nor should they allow anyone else use it to write off why they’re upset about something), becuase it’s not. We all have up and down days. Deal with it.

 And so, we proceeded to have 2 girls, who alternate regularly as the light of my days and the bane of my existence. At 11 and 9, they’re precocious, competitive, vivacious, and yet sweet and loving all wrapped into one. I’ve always told them it’s most important to love themselves first, and that beauty is truly what comes from the inside (which has sometimes been really hard, because they are both very beautiful children, and I had to and have to continue to fight their vanity seeping in). They, too, are black belts in Tae Kwon Do (the four of us have done it together from day one), they love sports and outdoorsy stuff, and yet they also love playing with their Webkins and school, or just like to read.

However, don’t worry — I know I have my failures, and I know this is just the calm before the storm. At 11, my older daughter (I’ll call her B) definitely has pubescence right on the horizon, and it’s my crusade to at the very least keep the lines of communication open — as painful as it can be — because I want to be inside her head through those tempestuous waters up ahead. I didn’t have that during those years, and I think that’s what steered me into some pretty deep and scary waters back then. I know she will make mistakes, but I at least hope they will be smaller and not so scary ones (to me, anyway). The good thing — at her age, she’s already showing signs of the Type A, anxious personality I have as an adult. I say that’s good, because sometimes that prevents her from doing something completely and utterly wrong.

At least so far we can communicate about moodiness and general “oddish-ness” (her word), when it hits her. I opened up that door a few months ago, when she was completely unreasonable, mean, and alternatively weepy one morning before school. So I looked her straight in the face and asked, “Alien, get out of my daughter’s body RIGHT NOW and go find someone else to possess!” Though she didn’t react too much at that moment, thereafter when she was feeling that way (usually in the morning before school), she started telling me that the alien had taken over for the time being. Message from her: “I’m unreasonable right now and I know it. I’ll try to come back sometime soon.” So I give her some space, and it’s usually better.

As for my younger child (I’ll call her S), she’s very tall for her age — only .75″ shorter than her older sister (who is at 75% for height) — and we’re CONSTANTLY getting asked if they’re twins. However, she’s still 9, and mentally not at that same place… yet. My issues with her stem from speaking her mind truthfully, and not saying something because she thinks someone else wants her to say it. And she’s lazy, probably because of having  a little bit of a domineering older sister to lead her, ever since she was born. But with them in separate schools this year, that seems to be waning. However, it does feed into more arguing at home, because she is asserting herself more with her sister, which her sister is definitely not used to!

I’m really, really not looking forward to the teenage years. If we can survive that, we can survive anything.

That’s it for today, I think. I have thousands of little thoughts flying through my brain, and I would write and write and write if I let myself. But I wanted to give you my beliefs in this respect, because I know I will go down this road again and again, and that many of my worries, concerns, fears, and drives come from my husband and I plodding through bringing up our daughters together. It flavors everything in our lives.

Welcome to United in Solitude!

I don’t know if I’ll keep the name, because as I go, I’m sure this blog will evolve. But part of the reason (I feel) I needed to create this blog is because I’ve been spending the past year-and-a-half building a business to make me more sane (HAH to that!), and in the process, went from the corporate management job with people, people everywhere, to days when I don’t speak to anyone but my husband and children. And, as an established extrovert, it did start getting to me after awhile. But, as I became more and more entrenched into my business, I found my life really began to change, and with my contacts found that some of the loneliest people out there are entrepreneurs, especially at the start-up stage.

But another thing — I’ve spent a lot of the past several years working on the development of my spiritual side. Because I’ve found that as a Type A personality, I was more of a human “doing” than a human being. Go, go, go, run, run, run, do, do, do… which took a toll on me physically. Migraines, digestive issues… and I knew I could get control of it (control is the mantra of us Type As, right?) , and found in the process that it’s not about control. It’s becoming a part of BEING. In our society, it seems we’ve forgotten how to BE, because everyone spends so much time checking e-mail, getting phone calls, playing with electronics, we’ve come to depend on all of that to pass the days, and in the end, forget who we are. And then we forget that we are all a part of the same universe.

So, starting my own business was part of my therapy, also. I knew too many people within 10 years of my age that had been having strokes and heart attacks. I didn’t want to be one of them. Little did I know that although my business is therapy in itself (I have an organic herb nursery; check the links on the side of the page), it has also created more stress for me than I even imagined. But I’m stronger, and clearer now, I think.  And a year-and-a-half after I quit my “day job,” I’m learning to live with the rollercoaster that is often out of my control.

I also like to write, and don’t do it as much as I used to. I do want to write a book someday about the humor in all of our family dysfunctions, but not yet. I wanted to start here.

So, as an introduction to me, I’m going to tell you what’s on my header, and why:

• First, the colors in the background are based on the chakras. Because meditation is our friend, and the full awareness of our energy centers is the key to BEING.
• The ladybug is such a monumental symbol, to me. Obviously, now that I’m in the plant growing business, this is an easy one — such a beautiful, favorite little bug in our world does so much for us, and we barely pay them mind. It looks so dainty and friendly (and its name says the same), yet it’s one of the most voracious predators of harmful bugs in our gardens. As a symbol, the ladybug is associated with the fire and the sun, as well as luck, love, spirituality, and religious devotion, too. (I really just like ladybugs, too!)
• The next pic is of me breaking a brick during my 1st Dan (black belt) exam in Tae Kwon Do, as well as another picture of me about to put my husband on his butt during the same exam.  :) I felt I need to include something from Tae Kwon Do, because my journey through to black belt has been life-changing for me, and has added a dimension of centeredness that I really didn’t know I was missing. It taught me that anything is really attainable, if you put your mind to it — I never dreamed I’d be getting a black belt at the age of 38! It’s a big part of my life, as it is for my husband and children (it’s a great family activity for us), and we continue to train for higher levels (2nd Dan — 2nd degree — black belt test is in 2008).
• The middle pic is of sage, which is (obviously) an herb I grow as part of my business. It’s also been more of a challenge to grow in quantity in my geography than I ever thought! But also, historically, sage is supposed to absorb negativity and misfortune, as well as drive away disturbances and tensions, and lift the spirits above the mundance cares of life. Very appropos, I would say!
• Next, just a pic of me.
• Finally, the Ohm (Aum) symbol, one I’ve learned well in my study of meditation and yoga (though I still have a long, long way to go). It means “the Word,” or “the eternal.” It is said in some The Om is also often referred to as the first sound of the universe — the Earth, creation…the heart of existence.  To become one with the sound of the Om, through visual meditation and sounding of the vibration, allows one to become one with the source of all…to become “realized.” I’m working on that! 

And notice… with more than 17 years in “corporate America,” I don’t have any pics from that in there, even though that’s a lot of my past and how I got here, also.  I got to the position and paycheck I always wanted, and I was miserable. And though I’ve had some very tough times doing what I’m doing now, I’ve never once had a regret that I left — I could always go back, but right now, I’m exploring THIS life — one of BEING as well as DOING.

Back to the name, United in Solitude. It’s not just entrepreneurs — we’re all very lonely today, alone in an overcrowded world. All of our gadgets and all of the information we need to process every day has caused us to have A.D.D. , get impatient, and with great irony, lose out on connecting with each other. Oh, we have friends — and many, many more acquaintances — but how many do we really get connected with? Fewer and fewer. Though my phone book is chock full of names, addresses, e-mail address, and phone numbers, if someone were to ask me,”How many REAL friends do you have, that you think would be there if you really, really, REALLY needed them?” My answer would be three. One of them I haven’t seen in 8 years, one of them I haven’t seen in about 5, and one of them I only see about twice a year. But I know they’re there, in the background, and they would be there for me no matter what. Of course, my husband is also my best friend (though I’m convinced he’s of an alien race), but there are times when I need someone OUTSIDE the home, know what I mean?

Anyway, in all of my pondering while working in the greenhouses over the past year-and-a-half, I’ve thought about this stuff a lot. What we really need to know and to let each other know is that we ARE here for each other, because if we’re not, we won’t be here as a race for much longer! We need to cut through the haze of the electronic age, and remember that we’re not robots, but people, so we need more.

‘Nuff said. Till next time…