Marketing Angst… and Why I Did What I Did

Before I started my business, I was the global marketing director of a pretty large international company. I had more than 17 years in the corporate world, and had some physical ails to provie it — migraines, weight gain, sleep issues (grinding teeth).

Now, I LOVE marketing. I love the psychology, creativity, and ability to grow visibility of a company — whose products/services I support — with my head and hands. I love creating the brand of the company’s products/services. And I love taking all the pieces, putting it all together like a big puzzle, and then watching the company succeed — if all the pieces put together correctly, it’s a beautiful thing.

What I DIDN’T love is the way the CEO/president/whatever senior staff would pay good money to have me look at the market, put together the business case(s) and market and marketing plan, and then, if he/she disagreed, would just go off and do their own thing. And then, when that inevitably failed (and I cannot remember ONE time in 17 years when it didn’t), they would come back to me and say, “FIX IT.” Which I would, because I was so very good at my job.

THAT’S a large part of why I decided to move on and start my own company. At least the mistakes I made would be my own, and I’d be picking up my own pieces instead of someone else’s if something failed.

And all was well until I did something that in retrospect was STUPID, STUPID, STUPID — I volunteered to help our Master Instructor (part-time) at our Tae Kwon Do school to help him do his marketing for the mere exchange of my family’s tuition. What a deal for him! Because as wonderful of an instructor and figure head as he is, he totally s**ks at business. He is irresponsible with his finances, and he has an oozie of a problem in his home life, which I won’t get into, but just know it causes him most of his financial woes. It’s amazing to me that he’s been in business for more than 20 years; though at his height he had something like 6 schools. Now he’s down to 2, and barely scraping by.

Anyway, me, being the FIXIT person I am, wanted to swoop in and save the day. After all, not only do I REALLY know marketing and business, but I’m also a black belt at the school — so I (obviously) totally stand behind the product! When I first started working with him on the marketing, I made him make me a few promises (having to do with past mistakes he’d made), and if he held to his promises, I told him we’d grow the business back to where he wanted it to be in no time.

Well, not only did he reneg on his promises, but now I found myself back “in the hole” I thought I’d left when I left the corporate world. What luck. And I’m sort of stuck, because I’m so ingrained in the school and it’s so much a part of my family’s lives that I’m between a rock and a hard place, because our Master Instructor is doing something that no less than 6 people have told him was a bad idea (including me), and I will inevitably have to pick up the pieces WHEN it fails.

And now the joy and fun has gone out of helping.  

:::sigh::: Why do I do this to myself? Why do I put myself out, be a champion, and then get tromped on? Those whom I help obviously somehow know what buttons to push to get me to continue to help, and then by the time I’m done, I’m just bitter, bitter, bitter, and feel like I’ve been dragged through the mud.

I’m not a sucker — I’m an honest, strong-willed, utspoken, steel-backed person! And I thought I could get away from this, but it comes back to me again and again. Is it my universal lesson that I’m not supposed to help others? That’s counterintuitive, isn’t it? I’ve always believed in karma, and I’m really starting to wonder if I did something really, really, really bad in a past life to deserve these beatings on my goodwill and persistence.

Maybe I was someone like Hitler before. Maybe I was a miserable cuss and just SUCKED the life out of everyone I was with. And maybe in this life, I’m making up for it, and get the life sucked out of me. If it’s not, I don’t understand why I keep on putting myself into these situations. But I don’t understand how not to!!! I NEED TO HELP FIX THINGS! I HATE WHEN THINGS ARE BROKEN!

And a good, solid, strategic businessperson (I’ll stick with businessperson, because there’s no such thing as a good, solid politician! ) would understand me, I think. Because there’s so much wrong in the world today, and so few people who are willing to really want to stand up and FIX things.

I’ve been told I should go into politics, but I really couldn’t ever do so — I’m too direct, honest, and trying to fix THOSE problems would just break me. Because I care.

I think I’m done with my rant for now. Now, I have to decide whether to go and do some yoga or just flush my head down the toilet…..  

Feeling Solitary

You know, I feel like writing here today, but when my mind wandered to a subject matter, it just continued to… wander. Several different subjects popped up in my head, but I couldn’t really decide on one. And then, I thought of a recurring theme…

 Oh, yeah… solitude… as in part of my blog’s name…

I’ve become quite accustomed to it, since I left my corporate job to focus on my own business early last year. And don’t get me wrong — I’m crazy busy all the time, but my solitude and internal thoughts make me crazy. It’s different now than it used to be. I used to always be surrounded by people. Now I’m surrounded by plants, and though in constant contact with people, it’s much more at a distance than it used to be. Because now, I’m the business owner, and a lot of my contact is with customers. I don’t really have the camaraderie that I had when I worked WITH people, without them being a CUSTOMER. And the people I encounter now are generally MUCH different than those with whom I’m most comfortable. You know, though I KNEW that on paper (theoretically) before, I didn’t REALLY understand that until maybe 6 months ago. And it will continue to be so, even when I hire people. Because then, no matter how well we get along, I will always be the BOSS, which puts up a wall of sorts. And that’s funny, too, because I was a BOSS for most of my corporate life, but that was different. I wasn’t the TOP BOSS, or owner, president, whatever. That makes a difference.

So I feel a bit lonely, I guess. This is pretty hard for an extrovert, as I am! Actually, it’s killing me!!!!  AAAGGGHHH!!!

That’s just so funny for me to write. Because besides the business, I’m married and have 2 kids; I also help with the marketing for our Tae Kwon Do school, and am in constant contact with the people there (as well as in class and teaching class constantly). And really, I’m around and talking with people all the time.

Does that make sense?

The good part is, I’ve really gotten to know myself, and I think I’ve really developed my inner sense of the universe. I definitely have evolved. It’s just that I’ve discovered that I really don’t have anyone to discuss it with anymore. Isn’t that strange? I thought that people with whom I used to be “close” were really my friends — we had many of the same thoughts, values, and dreams. But when I actually decided to bite the bullet and actually  follow my dream, it was like… well, it was like I quickly became disassociated from them. Like I’d done something forbidden. Or, probably in reality, I just left their public eye, and it was too hard to try to keep in touch, because there’s too much in everyone’s lives to keep up-to-date.

My husband, as much as I love him, only understands parts of me. Well, a large part of me. But not all, and there are things he really doesn’t understand about what I’m thinking and how I feel about certain things. Plus, he’s in my every day life, and quite honestly, I really sometimes need to vent to someone because he makes me crazy (as all spouses will do). And there are times I need to run my irritation by someone outside of the homefront, to get an outside perspective about it.

I’m close with my retired mother, but she is sometimes of a very different mindset than me. She’s had three marriages over the years, and none that I would call solid, long-term relationships (I don’t think any of the three lasted for more than five years). And we approach things very differently in life — she’s very fixed, very habitual, very happy with being comfortable. I never have been. I always want to move on, do something new, evolve, get to the next level. If it doesn’t work, toss it and move on. We’re very close, but there’s sometimes a lack of understanding about stuff. And she’s my mother — there’s just a line, know what I mean? Different points in life, too.

And my husband is sometimes a lot like my mother. He really doesn’t have the burning desire for forward movement that I do, of carving new paths. I’m always thinking about four steps ahead of where I am now, and he’s just thinking of… well, now. Don’t get me wrong – he loves adventure, and does like problem solving, but he just can’t see past the moment, really. And his mantra is, if it works, why fuss with it? Sometimes he’d rather put 10 Band-Aids on something instead of just fixing it. That just makes me BONKERS, because often it ends up wasting a lot more time and money than if it were just fixed in the first place. And it seems that he’s sort of in la-la land more often than I’d like him to be. In reality, I think he’s always been like that, but I was too distracted to notice. Now it bugs me, because it takes nothing short of me having a complete meltdown for him to engage sometimes.

Plus, he’s not a puzzle thinker, like I am. I think of the “four steps ahead” thing as a puzzle-like capability. That was a part of my former profession — how to put the pieces of the puzzle together to make the whole program work.

So, I guess in my former corporate world, I made many acquaintances with like minds, and I felt satisfied that way. I guess I thought I would always have that, and I was really surprised at how quickly I was “removed” from it. Oh, sure, lunches for awhile afterwards, but it tapered off. Now, there’s only 2-3 people I see with any regularity, and it’s typically for lunch, about once a month. The few friends I have left from over the years are spread out around the country, and once or twice a year doesn’t really quench that need for a comrade.

So, what to do?

I don’t know. I guess that’s my point. It’s not like I don’t have people around me, but we mostly keep each other at an arm’s length. I don’t have any friends anymore that I would just call to BS with any regularity, ponder some point about life, and then be fulfilled and move on with my day. Also, I don’t feel like I get really rich information introduced to chew on from outside of my world… I love to turn over new information, chew it up, process it, debate it, and come to some kind of conclusion. I can only run the wheel by myself for so long. Where I think I’ve become much more focused, it seems those around me have become much more distracted.

There was a very, very longtime friend I had over the years (I think it’s about 24 years since I’ve known him), who was my best, best, BEST friend of all time. Because in many ways, we were very like minded, but we were different enough to challenge each other constantly. I LOVED the mental sparring! Kept me cutting edge. And we had been through SO MUCH together, growing up and all. We were close all the way up until… well, maybe 7 years ago? It sort of faded out. But a chunk of our friendship dissolved after I eloped with my husband 13 years ago, and then even moreso when I had children 11 years ago. The downfall of the male-female FRIENDSHIP, I guess. It wasn’t that my husband cared — he got along fine with my friend — but my friend was obviously harboring OTHER hopes that I’d not much considered, as much as I loved him, because he was more like my BROTHER than anything else –  and I think playing with that fire with someone who knows you THAT well, and vice versa, can be more detrimental than When Harry Met Sally ever explored! So, he got more and more bitter and obnoxious, and finally, we just sort of lost touch, to vaguely reconnect again a few years ago. And now, it’s about once a year (if that) when we speak, and there’s now a wall there, too.   I miss him!

And now, my husband — after being with him for 15 years — gets a little put out every time I speak with my friend. I’m not sure why, but he gets a little paranoid and a little jealous for awhile every time we speak (which in that respect, is lucky is not so often). There’s nothing new he knows now that he didn’t know back then, so that puzzles me.  

But anyway, it’s strange. I’m not sure where I am. I’m not sure how to remedy this. I don’t want to go back to the corporate world, because I really like what I’m doing now — creating MY OWN corporate world. But I guess I’m sorta lost. And, as I have always been the shoulder for many, the one many come to with their problems and questions, I find I have no one who can be my shoulder, or even just my comrade. It’s very sad to me that this blog is the only place I can express these thoughts, which I think is a large part of why I created it in the first place.  Yet, I’m not saying I’m pitying myself — there’s no time for pity in this world, especially self-pity, because it’s useless – I’m just feeling a bit lonely and needing to unload somewhere.

So, why not here? 

The Rollercoaster of Parenthood

Anyone who thinks that they can in any way be CLOSE to being the perfect parent…. have a glass of wine, chill out, and FUHGEDDABOUTIT!

As one of the women in the generation that grew up in the ’70s and ’80s (what do they call us? Generation X? The Me Generation? I can’t even remember anymore), we happened into adulthood with many, many pressures, many of which we put on ourselves. First and foremost, we were the first real generation that EXPECTED to have a CAREER outside of the home, for many reasons: We watched some of our female “role models” stay in spoiled marriages because they didn’t have anywhere else to go and couldn’t make a living on their own; we had relatives that lived through the Great Depression, who told us stories of the value of the Almighty Dollar, and that you should always have something in reserve; we grew up just past the liberating ’60s, and women as a whole were realizing that the cultural expectations for women were basically testosterone’s play on “keeping us in place.” As for myself, I grew up on Long Island in a single-parent and mostly female household; it was my mother, my sister, my grandmother and grandfather (poor guy), and my great grandmother (until I was 11). My mother had almost always worked, as had my grandmother (which was an anamoly to her generation). And, since women basically all ran and kept the household going, I grew up knowing nothing else but a female-dominated environment. My father, though VERY old-fashioned and sexist in many ways, felt the sky was the limit for HIS GIRLS (because we were different), which I think was punctuated because we only saw him once a week.

So, out of the gate, I just knew I could DO IT ALL: have a lucrative career, a wonderful equalist husband, and be the PERFECT parent. I wouldn’t have my children see the injustices of the past! I would make sure that they were BROUGHT UP RIGHT! (See my blog “My Parenting and Other Stuff: A Prologue” from 9/25/07.)

Boy, what an idealist I was.

Now you see many, many articles written for this generation — why you DON’T have to be the SuperMom. Many women I knew had failed marriages because they THOUGHT they were getting into a partnership, only to find out that their husband didn’t REALLY think of them as equals, and the rest of the relationship crumbled from there. I mean, “OK, have a career, but you’re still responsible for the kids, the house, and everything on our home schedule.” And that’s continuing to change — you have to remember, it’s largely the household in which the person was brought up, and it takes a few generations to accomplish a real shift in that kind of attitude. We made the shift to career, now the generation right behind us has become much more equal, I think.

I am one of the lucky ones, I think — though I wouldn’t have gotten married if I hadn’t found someone like my husband. He is my partner, 100%. I’ve had a taxing career, and he’s always been at least 50% of taking care of the children. For awhile, I was making twice his yearly salary, and it didn’t bother him (or question his masculinity) one bit. And now, with my own business, I’m taxed even further than I could have possibly imagined (without the salary quite yet), and that’s fine with him, too.  But with all of this going on, unfortunately, sometimes it’s the kids that fall through the cracks, as hard as we try.

Now, we are VERY strict parents by today’s standards, don’t get me wrong — my goal as a parent is to make sure my kids understand they are FULLY ACCOUNTABLE for their actions. We teach them about the junk in food, and make sure they eat veggies, fruit and as much organic or natural and unprocessed food as possible; we don’t let them watch TV except for a couple of hours on Sunday morning and an occasional movie that we have to approve (really, the TVs are completely off when they’re awake, otherwise); they are accountable for their actions at home and at school, and get punished if they don’t produce what’s expected of them (no “my kid would never do that” – full investigation BEFORE any opinion is rendered); better yet, we DO things together! And, being Type A as I am, with high pressures on myself to be SUPERMOM, I want our activities to be PERFECT, and I always WANT TO DO THE PERFECT THING.

No such thing.

Now, I’ve been a Mom for 11+ years now, and I can’t even count how many times I just wanted to crawl into a corner and hide because I think I deserve the Big L (for “LoserMom”) on my forehead, such as

• the time my younger daughter, then aged 2, fell in daycare and hurt herself. It took us about 5 hours and dinner to decide hesitantly to go to the ER to get her arm x-rayed as a precaution (because she was using it fine, it was just a little bruised), to find out she had suffered an impact break across both bones in her forearm (really, she WAS USING THE ARM at dinner!!!);
• the time both kids were sick with a cold (ages 6 and 4 at the time) and I decided to share with them the virtues of herbal steam vapor to help clear their stuffy noses, vs. the OTC junk. As I was putting the Pyrex bowl of steaming, boiling hot water onto the table, the seam in the bottom of the bowl just gave out and broke off, resulting in the water gushing off the table and down the side of my (again) younger child, giving her some pretty intense 2nd degree burns on the outside of her left forearm and her left thigh. It STILL turns my stomach to think about that — that was my All-Time Worst Moment As A Mother (and luckily, we were able to get in to her pediatrician, who’s known us and our parenting practices since our oldest was about a year old, so there weren’t any raised eyebrows as to that cause);
• the time we sent our oldest child (then 5) to school with a couple of marks on her arm because they COULD have been just mosquito bites, regardless of the fact that a classmate had been out the previous week with chicken pox (I was on my way off to a business trip and my husband had meetings that day at work that ee couldn’t cancel) – and yes, it turned out to be a mild case of the chicken pox, even though she’d gotten the shot;
• the time I depended on my older child (who was at the time 8 or so) to tell me the correct time while my husband and I were out in the yard doing yardwork and her sister was at a birthday party. Needless to say, that was a failure, because I called up to her and asked what time it was, she read the (analog) clock wrong, and I ended up picking up my other daughter AN HOUR after the party was over (though I’ve always found it a little funny that no one called to find out where we were when we hadn’t shown up);

I could go on and on, but you get the point. Endless times we sent one or the other kid to school with a dose of Advil in them because they had a little fever from a pending ear infection, and one of us was traveling out of town, had “important” meetings that day, or whatever.

The worst are certain dates (or forgetting about them). With so much juggling going on, we WANT to provide our kids with the perfect life, but it’s not always possible when there are 20 things going on at any given time.

Play dates/get togethers? They are rare – because I figure, hey, my kids are in school and/or in daycare a majority of the week, we want them TO OURSELVES when we’re home!!! Additionally, now that I am a small business owner scraping by, no more cleaning people, which means much more mess, and we’d have to find the time to actually CLEAN the house to have people over!

On the other front, quite honestly, there are few parents we’ve met with whom we’d entrust our children, so there are few houses we’re comfortable sending them, even if for a few hours. Heck, our oldest daughter’s (now 11) best friend is a fine child, but the 2 times she’s been to our house, the parent/stepparent dropping her off has never left the car, come in to meet us, etc. And boy, have we heard stories from our daughter (reiterated from what her friend’s told her) about that friend’s home life. So we don’t let her go over there, because we’re SCARED.

Then there’s a good friend of our younger daughter, who is a sweet child, but we know her father was IN JAIL for an extended period of time, God knows for what, and there are a string of men around with her Mom (and we live in a middle- to upper-middle class area!). The one time we let her go over there, it was for a birthday party, and she came home (without any comment from the mother) with a HUGE splinter that took several days to get out or her hand. Now, we know accidents happen, but I spoke with the mother when I picked her up, my daughter had a Band-Aid on her hand, but the mother never mentioned anything about the splinter or that it hadn’t been taken out or anything. STRIKE THAT HOUSE.

So, we try to keep them entertained and do stuff that’s fun to keep them interested in staying here, with the family, and have their friends take part with us, too, if they so choose. This past weekend, we let the two girls each invite one friend to come with us to a Halloween Trail night at a nature park that is (sort of) in the area. So, they made sure to have their costumes ready, they dressed up, we drove them 45 minutes up to the park, and by the time we got up there — 45 minutes after opening — they wouldn’t let us in because they said they’d sold out for the night. SOLD OUT???!!!! AT A PARK???!!!  Needless to say, my 9-year-old was in tears, and I felt like we were a BIG LETDOWN to our children and their friends. But, my husband and I went with the flow, and we ended up going to a fun park nearby — miniature golf, go carts, and (best yet) an arcade. In costume and all. Though we had to forego the Halloween Horror House they had going for the holiday time (2 of the kids were a bit skeptical and nervous about it), we ended up spending our time in the arcade, and then got ice cream on the way home. And they all ended up having a really good time.

:::phew::: CRISIS AVERTED. This time. One less thing to add to my list of “LoserMom” moments.

And, upon some introspection, I realized that I think I’ve gotten better at this parental rollercoaster. I think, after 11 years, I’ve finally learned that it’s better to just GO WITH THE FLOW instead of fighting and killing myself over every mistake, inconvenience, or problem. Just laugh, shake it off, and move on.

Like I tell my kids all the time.

Where Has All the Chutzpah Gone?

Sometimes I feel like I come from another planet.

Maybe it’s the native New Yorker in me. Maybe it’s something I was taught growing up. Maybe I had a father (God rest his soul) who lived in such a world of make believe and compulsive lying and I hated it so much that I purposely became the exact opposite.

Maybe it’s all of the above. Well, except that I came from another planet (but then, maybe I did…  ).

I don’t understand why people today in general have this HUGE need to avoid the truth. Even my husband makes me crazy because there are times when he will rationalize and rationalize and rationalize something until I slap him in the face with the facts enough that he realizes I won’t play along. Sometimes I wonder, after being together for 15 years, why he married me, because I definitely do not go around blinded by the rose-colored glasses he can. Though I have to say, I think he’s gotten better over the years. I only have to get annoyed about it every once in awhile with him now!

Anyway,  my particular beef today is with people I deal with through my Tae Kwon Do school. As I was formerly a corporate marketing executive before I started my own plant nursery, I actually help with the marketing of our school. Well, that’s where it started. Then I also took on organizing our instructor schedule for both locations, since it was very disorganized and often put together last minute, which annoyed most people involved. A side note here: One of my challenges in life is that I’m a fixer — I always want to fix things, and sometimes step and and get in over my head. So you can say my name and face are attached to a lot at the school, and most people know who I am.

The problem I constantly face is, when someone has a problem with ________, either I hear about it (which is when I tell the person/people to talk to our master instructor), or people just start avoiding both me and our master instructor. But the funny part is, even when you peg them down, most people won’t tell you the real reason they have a problem with something, or why they can’t (really, won’t) do it.

This perplexes our master instructor. He’s from Korea — a very, very different culture. He was brought up in martial arts, and it’s his way of life. And though he’s been in the U.S. since the ’70s, he’s still very ingrained in his native culture. And part of that is, where he grew up, when someone practiced with a master, they would go out of their way to help their master in any way they can, in class or out. And if you were asked to help in any way, it was a PRIVELEGE, not a chore.

Here, in our very, very self-centered society, our master instructor has done well, but not extraordinary. With his c.v., you would expect more, though — he’s coached the military, they Olympic TKD team, and many, many more things throughout his career that would render him worthy of great respect. Yet, often it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to help out. My family and I do it, but can only do so much, and we are sometimes depended on more heavily than we should be, because others haven’t won’t step up to the plate. Many don’t realize, if we ALL chip in, we won’t have TOO much to do to help, because everyone can do a little bit, vs. a few having to do too much, get burnt out, and then quit altogether.

Anyway, there are many who feel affronted if they are asked to help in any way. If you look at an old post of mine (“Why Don’t We Ever Slow Down Anymore?”), I talked about us in this manic society.

We’re even going too fast to help others. I think many people know it, and are ashamed because of that, and won’t look in the mirror and face the facts. Here’s what I say: Own up to it, then, and stop making excuses! Maybe if we all did that, then we’d have to face ourselves, and reorganize our lives a little bit because we realize that we have to pick our THING, or a few THINGS, but only enough where we can devote some time to it/them for the thing(s) to make a real difference in our lives (and for us to make a difference in whatever THING it is).

 As an adult, the alien in me has always kept me honest. And sometimes it’s painful, but at least I don’t fool myself into thinking otherwise. I’ve found that over the years with my husband, there ARE times when I try on his rose-colored glasses, and rationalize a little bit. However, I always find when I do that, that I feel unsatisfied with myself, and inevitably end up having to face the facts at some point. So, why waste time? Own up to the truth — which many times takes some chutzpah — and I think that we all would fare better for it.

The Sacrilege (?) of Halloween

 

I guess my husband and I are just heathens, because we LOVE to celebrate Halloween with our kids!

I never, NEVER in my life even thought about it… until we moved down to good ol’ NC, where more than half of the area’s population is originally from the North, and… well, there are also many who would fall in the southern Bible-thumping, Bible belt type who very often pick and choose their interpretation of the Bible and their religion.

 And really, I’m OK with that. To each his own, I say…. everyone needs something a little different for his/her faith, because we’re all different. But one thing that completely bums me out every year is the way Halloween, one of the most fun days of the year for kids, is generally swept under the rug, and minimized in every way possible, for the (seemingly) few.

When I was a kid, we were not only allowed to wear our Halloween costumes to school (providing they weren’t bloody), but we actually had a HALLOWEEN COSTUME PARADE at school that all the parents were invited to in the afternoon, followed by a Halloween party to fill us up with sweets before going trick-or-treating. Hoo-hah! There were parties galore, and pretty much EVERYONE I knew, regardless of their religion, took part to one degree or another.

So imagine my surprise when, as my children entered day care, they weren’t allowed to wear costumes on Halloween, nor did they have any type of party (though they’d have a “fall harvest” celebration or some sort, and would be invited to dress up like their favorite character). This permeated through to school age time, too. Costumes in school? No way! And my husband and I have had to learn to ASK people if they celebrate Halloween, and be prepared for a quick shake of the head and a look away when we ask it.

 This is SO sad to us. We LOVE Halloween! We LOVE spookiness! We LOVE playing with our kids! And our kids really LOVE to dress up! But year after year, we struggle with spending the money needed to get them a costume (or put one together for them, though we really don’t have the time) for them to wear the costumes for a total of… what… 2-3 hours?

Pooh to that.

The History Channel Website has a great and brief explanation of the history of Halloween (http://www.history.com/minisites/halloween/viewPage?pageId=713). If you really look at it, it became a celebration that was a combination of beliefs, INCLUDING Christian. Sound familiar? Like, maybe Christmas, maybe? Or Easter?

Yet, no one ever asks (unless there’s a question of someone not being Christian) whether someone celebrates Christmas, do they?

I haven’t yet come across a Christian-type family who doesn’t exchange presents or doesn’t get a Christmas tree because it’s Pagan. Yet, the day over the years became a combination of celebrations, just like Halloween. Yet, because of the spooky connotation with Halloween (don’t kids LIKE to get spooked every once in awhile???), that seems more sinister, more devil-like, I guess.

And I’m not sure why, in general, us heathens with Northern heritage still have no problems with having some fun on Halloween, and why it seems to be such a problem down south. Our family that is still up north have children who do still get to at least go to school in their costumes on the big day. They think it’s BIZARRE that our children aren’t allowed to do that.  And, after being here for 10 years, my husband and I STILL thinks it’s BIZARRE.

However, there are many, many political issues much higher on the priority scale that we need to address. So, in the meantime, (because every year we say we’re going to have a Halloween party, and never get around to it), we scour the paper and area Websites to find some Halloween events that will allow them to more fully enjoy the celebration… moreso than wearing that $30-60 costume for a full 2 hours to go trick-or-treating.

Now, I must go mix my potions and sacrifice a neighborhood innocent….  LOLLOLLOL

Help! My Dogs Are Fighting

This is not my usual tone, but I’m really, really frustrated and worried. Actually, my husband and I are both really, really frustrated and worried. So I’m hoping someone out here might have some insight that would be helpful.

 We have three dogs. Two are male, one female. We’ve had the males for 5 years; the female was a desperate rescue situation, and we’ve had her for about 2.5 years now. The males were puppies when we got them, and they have been together since they were very, very little (they came from the same foster care home through a pet adoption agency — one was actually born there, the other was barely old enough to be weaned when they got him). All three are fixed. The two males were obedience trained early on, and we have NEVER had any of them even threaten to bite a person.

Anyway, we never had any problems with pack position fighting until about a year-and-a-half ago. I’m not sure of the female’s position in the “pack” — she’s very quiet and submissive to us, but on the occasion they have started picking on her or tried to bully her, she has definitely showed them who was boss. However, on the other hand, the two boys have now had three bloody fights. The first one was in April ‘06; my husband and I tried everything then actually had to just about climb on them to pull them apart (which was difficult and dumb, as they are 65 lbs and 98 lbs). The 98 lb one had to get stitches. They soon after made up, and we spoke with their trainer and vet — both said to just watch them, it could just be vying for position, and it could’ve just been a sibling spat. So we did, and nothing, until Labor Day of this year — so that was 17 months without incident. Then the other one needed stitches. So we kept them separated for a few days, and they cried and cried until we let them be together again. And then, last night, it happened again. This time, it seems like the wounds are superficial, though one dog’s limping a bit.

So, we’re at a loss. The two dogs are otherwise gentle, playful, and loving, and have never shown any aggressive tendencies towards the family at all (including our two kids, who can basically sit on them without even getting a reaction). In fact, the dogs clean each other and sleep together often. Our trainer, though a naturalist in many respects, suggests electric shock collars for situations like that (he and his wife have three malamutes with the same problem, and they’ve used them with success), but we’re afraid that it will exacerbate the situation, they’ll identify the pain with the other dog, and fight harder, know what I mean?

:::sigh::: I have too many other things to worry about, than to have to constantly shell out the bucks to the vet’s office!

I was brought up in a household that taught me that pets become part of the family, and once they’re in you tough it out (unless, of course, there’s some unfixable serious danger to a member of the family). However, I can’t say I haven’t had fleeting thoughts since last night about looking for homes for one or both of the males, as much as I love them both. Because this is ridiculous – my biggest fear is that they’ll kill each other one time, when we can’t get them off of each other. Worse yet, that they’ll bite one of us trying to get them off of each other, and then we’ll have to get them put down.

There’s just no easy answer. I sit here, in my office, with one laying at my feet. The other male has been limited to the other side of the house – we tried leaving him (with the female) out in the backyard, but he whined and whined until we let him in. Now he’s in the other room whining and whining, because he can’t be over here (how very catlike). But I won’t let them be together until we figure this out. Once in a year-and-a-half is somewhat bearable, but this is twice in two months.

I don’t really want to have to find another home for them, because I know it would be next to impossible. People generally don’t want a 5-year-old dog when they adopt; they want a youngster. Plus, we’re the only family they’ve known, and I think that would damage the dogs mentally, too.  And we do love them. My kids would be DEVASTATED.

 My husband is calling the trainer today, but any suggestions would be helpful.

Why Pick on Harry Potter?

 

I STILL don’t understand it. After the seven intensely addictive books by J.K. Rowling, I don’t understand why there are still many (Christian) parents who, when the Harry Potter books/movies are brought up, get all flustered and tell me that they and their children haven’t read/seen either, because of the subject matter. Yet, if I further press, I usually find out that they and their children HAVE seen the Star Wars series, the Lord of the Rings series, The Matrix series, many Disney movies, and on and on.

This is definitely one of those areas that are categorized in my head as Things That Make You Go, “Hmmm…”

I completely respect anyone’s religion/faith. Everyone needs to explore their own faith, in their own ways. But someone, somewhere, PLEASE explain to me in what way the Harry Potter story is by any way in favor of evil and Things Against the Bible (where the other ones aren’t)?

 If I even approach this with someone who’s intent on “helping me see the light,” I usually get the answer that it’s about witchcraft, which you know, is the Devil’s work.

And here’s typically my answer: Wrong.

I’m sure there have been literary papers written about this, but I’m just ranting from my personal point of view (that’s what this blog is for, anyway, isn’t it?).

Here’s my point to you, to all of you out there who dismiss Harry Potter because of that: Harry Potter is not about “Devil’s witchcraft.” It’s about magic, wonderment, growing up, and above all, the battle of good against evil — on a LARGE scale.

There are so many things the Harry Potter saga covers that are essential to a positive life, including the rewards of bravery, doing the right thing, fighting evil with good, and taking the high road.

For example, one of the best lines spoken by Dumbledore (Hogwart’s headmaster) to Harry: “Harry, we are coming to a time when everyone must choose whether do what is easy, or what is right.” OK, that’s not verbatim, but pretty close!

Anyway, beyond that, like I said, the same families that have barred Harry Potter allow Stars Wars, Disney, Lord of the Rings, and the like, without a second thought. So, here are my questions to that:

• Isn’t “The Force” the use of magic (and thus, witchcraft)? Again, good vs. evil.
• Wasn’t Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother someone who used magic? And for that matter, what about all of the magic (not just bad) used in Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and many, many others that the same parents insist are just fine for their children? Incidentally, these movies were actually barred from our household for a completely different reason, since those movies purport that a girl’s only purpose in life should be to find and win a man that will take care of her — but that’s a different blog for a different day!
• Lord of the Rings — magical rings, wizards, and elves, oh my
• Matrix — Talk about Christ-like stories!

So, there you have it. Typical hypocrisy of the church. Yet, there are still quite a few parents out there who think that Harry Potter is OVER THE EDGE. All I can say is, it’s their loss. Really, their children’s. Because there are so many lessons for a good life in those books, and they are really missing out on passing along such good lessons with such enjoyment related to it.

Now, talking about the Bible itself — which, when we read parts of it as a literary piece in 12th grade AP English class, our teacher introduced it as one of the books with the most magic, sex, drugs, and debauchery in all of history — there’s just so, so much I can talk about there. But that will be another blog, on another day, when I REALLY have time to sit down and go on about that!

 ’Nuff said! 

On Families and Visits, Part I

Here I go. Down the “family” path. I knew I’d get here, sooner or later, because it’s always a core part of my frustration, as well as my enjoyment. And my laughs, too, I guess, since I’ve grown up and realized how quirky we ALL are!

So here’s my beef for today (and quite honestly, many a day), that I must vent SOMEWHERE, because it’s been under my skin for YEARS.

We live in the beautiful state of North Carolina. Truly beautiful. Gorgeous mountains and breathtaking ocean. A solid four equal seasons, and no crazy 20 below temperatures from up north in the wintertime. It’s exactly what my husband and I wanted when we decided to live here.

So, get it? We love the state we live in. We’re proud to be living here. And with a 5+ bedroom house (and only 3 occupied), we have plenty of room to accommodate visitors. However, regardless of the size of our families, it’s rare that we have any. In fact, after being together 15 years, my husband’s brother and his family came to visit for the FIRST TIME this past June (though I do have to say that his brother had come, as a side action to business, a handful of times over the years) . Other interesting statistics:

• The last time my father-in-law came to see us and his grandchildren was…. well, let’s see… I THINK 5 years ago;
• Last time my sister and her family visited from New York: 8 years ago (though I did have a brief visit from her and her husband 5 years ago);
• Last (and ONLY) time my husband’s sister and her family visited: 3 or 4 years ago (I can’t quite remember).

I do have to inject here that both Moms are somewhat regular visitors — there’s no beef here with them! 

For the first five years I was with my husband, we/I traveled all over the place visiting — a chunk of his family lived (and continues to live in) western/rural Minnesota, and for four years, I worked for an international company based outside of Minneapolis. So, whenever I had a business trip to the Cities, I would make it a point to go see them. We’ve even taken two trips over the years all the way to Alaska to see his brother (who now lives in Minnesota, too). Also, when we first met, we lived in upstate New York, so a weekend jaunt to Long Island to see my family (my sister and hers, as well as other family, at the time, who currently mostly live in Virginia now) was common.

I never thought much of it at the time, because we lived in apartments (though nice, spacious ones), and if someone came to visit, great, if not, I figured that once we “settled down” into a house someplace, they’d come. So when we moved down to North Carolina and bought a house — roomy and in a beautiful, much more pleasant climate — we were sure we’d have a more regular cast of visitors.

Hah, to that!

Now, there are many thoughts the casual onlooker might have, including that no one likes us and/or that we make visits a nightmare. Besides the fact that it’s an adult fact of life that visits with the family are SUPPOSED to be a nightmare (because what would we talk about about when we got back???), when people have come, they actually (seem to) have a good time. We’re very cognizant of planning adequate entertainment and menus (and I do have to say both my husband and I are pretty good cooks), and our house has plenty of room. So, we’ve just started categorizing the phenomenon as “things that make you go, ‘hmmm..’”!

Isn’t there some kind of tally book somewhere that checks off every time you go and visit, and keeps tabs on when it’s time for the parties to switch obligations? Because I swear, when accounting for  my husband and I visiting his and my families in the first 4 years of being together, I would say that (besides his mother) ALL of their COLLECTIVE visits to us in the subsequent 10 years don’t even come close — not that we’re keeping tabs, or anything!

Now, one theory that many people in our lives have had is that because most of my husband’s family lives in a small town, they really don’t like to leave, because the whole world for them exists there in that town (I feel the lead weight on my chest just thinking about that). However, counterpoint:

My husband’s brother was in the USN until 2005; he stayed in for his full 20 (while my husband felt that 6 we enough for him). In the last 7 years, he did a stint out of San Diego and then Colorado Springs, and ended up back in Alaska. And one of the biggest points of contention that my husband has had is that it seems that everyone — his dad and sister included — repeatedly went to visit his brother, no matter where he roamed, while NO ONE came to visit us, especially while he was in the USN. And it irritated me very much, especially because I knew it upset him. Because you know, it wasn’t like visiting his brother was some great thing, tactically. Granted, in Alaska, it was ALASKA, but they were staying in a little cabin that was a little tight for more than 2 people, and neither his brother or his brother’s wife cooked, so any time we needed food, we had to plan to basically drive the half hour into town to get something to eat. BUT NOTE HERE, WE WERE OK WITH THAT. We just don’t understand why it was so much more attractive for a visit, and what in the world would make it so dreadful to visit us.

Another small home town comment (no offense intended, because there are perks to living anywhere): Honestly, we’d think (WE meaning my husband included, who grew up there) that since there’s really not a lot that goes on there, that they would embrace the opportunity to “escape” for a little bit, and take the excuse to visit to see someplace and someone else. I know that one time I spent a full 2 weeks there with my husband in February, and quite honestly, by day 4, I was climbing the walls with boredom. Can you say claustrophobia, boys and girls? That’s why my husband won’t even LOOK AT the TV show October Road — it’s just too mindblowingly familiar to him, and he can’t believe that the show is coming back again, because, from his real experience, all they’ll do is the same thing over and over, and everyone will talk about everyone else, and not much will change. So who would want to watch that on TV???

The “small town” theory also doesn’t stand up to my sister, either, although since I grew up on Long Island, I do know that people there generally think that Long Island and Manhattan is the Center of the Universe, and there is no place better. Plus, she and her family actually have, in the past, taken trips all over, including to Virginia — just 3.5 hours from us — to visit our grandparents. Just really, not here. Funny, because I think of all of those years of visiting her house, cramped with 4 children and a bunch of animals, and I never had a problem with it.

So, I don’t get it. WE don’t get it.

Also, here’s the REALLY funny part. When we do get visitors, we tend to get them at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME. August is the month we have tended to get the most visitors, over the years. So, think about it — do you really want to go SOUTH in August? Yes, we have 4 solid, wonderful seasons, and my husband and I love the heat, but there are 3 months we wouldn’t recommend… July-August and February. July and August, for those whose blood has not thinned out (as well as for those whose blood HAS thinned out), is pretty brutal — August is typically when we have 100+ degree F days fairly regularly, with about 95% humidity. So, obviously, all of the outdoors stuff — of which there’s a LOT — is usually not a consideration. And, though February CAN be rather pleasant, it is also the time of year when it can be 60 degrees one day, and then 30 with an ice storm the next. Pretty volatile.

Anyway, that leaves 9 months of the year. Yet, everyone thinks that those 3 months are when they need to get those plane tickets!

So we feel badly, because we never seem to get to do the really nice things in NC when people visit, most of which are outside. And then, we wonder if the conversation when they get back is how miserable NC is, and why on earth someone would want to live there is beyond them…

Forget about the MN experience of mind-numbingly cold 20+ below degree winters with wind chill beyond humanly habitable, and enough humidity in the summer to have swarms of mosquitos being known to carry small children away… I have a problem wanting to visit a place where, during the winter, one of the biggest boasts I’ve heard is, “It was so cold out that if you spit from your front door, it would freeze by the time it hit the ground.” Now, THERE’S an attraction! Then we inevitably get the question, ”So, why don’t you come visit for the holidays?” 

Usually, we respond, “Why don’t YOU come visit for the holidays?”

 :::SIGH:::  Gotta love them, right?