My Parenting and Other Stuff: A Prologue.

Things that make you go “hmmm…”

I think this is where I will start practicing for my book. Because I’m really going to write it. Really. And I really don’t have too much on my plate to begin with (I only need few more hours in the day — easy to find a 25th and 26th hour, right?). But I have to start somewhere, right?

So I’ll start with my kids. Two girls, 11 and 9. Growing up thus far, they’ve seen me as a busy executive, and now an even busier (if that’s possible) small business owner. Which to me, is a good thing.

Before I ever had kids, I decided that I would do my best to “do right” by them, and try to fix some of the things wrong in the world today through them. Here was my (and my husband’s) recipe, before we ever knew what gender we would have to bless our household:

• For boys:
  • Make sure they have a clue. Now, now — don’t get all up in arms! I have had quite the experience with many of the male gender in my life, as friends, best friends, lovers, and colleagues (which further break down as bosses, equals, and subordinates). And, as I’ve always loved the puzzle of pscyhology vs. sociology, feel that through reviewing many research studies as well as mentally logging my personal experience, a majority of what goes on with boys and men is really sociological. I am really tired of the testosterone excuse, and of (still) the double standards in our world today. The “stronger sex”? Oh, please! Let men have babies, and we sure would be able to take care of population control, because no one would have more than one. Anyway, one of the biggest problems boys/men face is the ability to show and share their feelings, and overcome the social mores of being interested in some of the “things” that go on with the opposite sex.
  • Make sure they understand that it takes men AND women, as partners, to make the world go around. Basically, ying and yang, and all that stuff. I am one of the extremely lucky people who found a man to marry that truly believes and practices the partnership scenario in the marriage. To him, it’s BOTH of us who make the household run, and as long as we get the results, there are no purely defined “roles” that either one of us have. He understands that throughout our lives, we will go through periods where one will overcompensate for the other, and vice versa. For example, there were quite a few years when I was traveling everywhere for my job and working very, very long hours. He had a more laid back job, and thus did most of the kids’ doctor appointments, teacher appointments, sick pickups, and anything else that came our way. He cooked dinner many nights during the week, and has always done laundry (but that’s a blog unto itself!). And now, with my own business, it’s not completely different, except that due to the nature of my business, I’m usually working about 5am-2pm in the greenhouses and on delivery, and I can do my office work flexibly in the afternoons and evenings. And now, he’s just gotten a new job that takes more of his time, so I get to do a lot of the day-to-day kid stuff, because I’m usually more flexible to fit it in. Anyway, had we had boys, I would have made it my crusade to teach them that girls really ARE equal to boys, that both show their strength in different ways, and that it’s OK for boys to wear pink and to cry and play with dolls and show and share their emotions, and that’s it also OK for girls to beat them at a soccer game or in a race or school competition.
• For girls:
  • No matter what anyone tells you, girls and boys are (at least) equal, and girls are DEFINITELY NOT subordinate to boys in any way. The biggest difference: Boys, as adults, have more physical, immediate strength. Girls have more endurance (which goes back to our bodies being built to be baby incubators), and our bodies can typically take more stress for a longer period of time. It’s proven; look at the studies.

    We also tend to solve problems differently, and sometimes one way is better than the other, but if you apply both types in the right kind of situations, that’s the best of both worlds.

    Also, blue is a great color, as are rich, dark colors. Trucks, Legos, climbing trees, playing sports, and studying lizards and just as fun (if not even more so) than playing with dolls, which is what everyone thinks little girls need to do.

  • Suck it up, and be tough. Yes, just like boys need to be more sensitive, girls can and should be tough, too. As I’m not a crier myself, I think that too many tears are wasted on things that aren’t supposed to be emotional. Also, don’t ever use your menstrual cycle as an excuse (nor should they allow anyone else use it to write off why they’re upset about something), becuase it’s not. We all have up and down days. Deal with it.

 And so, we proceeded to have 2 girls, who alternate regularly as the light of my days and the bane of my existence. At 11 and 9, they’re precocious, competitive, vivacious, and yet sweet and loving all wrapped into one. I’ve always told them it’s most important to love themselves first, and that beauty is truly what comes from the inside (which has sometimes been really hard, because they are both very beautiful children, and I had to and have to continue to fight their vanity seeping in). They, too, are black belts in Tae Kwon Do (the four of us have done it together from day one), they love sports and outdoorsy stuff, and yet they also love playing with their Webkins and school, or just like to read.

However, don’t worry — I know I have my failures, and I know this is just the calm before the storm. At 11, my older daughter (I’ll call her B) definitely has pubescence right on the horizon, and it’s my crusade to at the very least keep the lines of communication open — as painful as it can be — because I want to be inside her head through those tempestuous waters up ahead. I didn’t have that during those years, and I think that’s what steered me into some pretty deep and scary waters back then. I know she will make mistakes, but I at least hope they will be smaller and not so scary ones (to me, anyway). The good thing — at her age, she’s already showing signs of the Type A, anxious personality I have as an adult. I say that’s good, because sometimes that prevents her from doing something completely and utterly wrong.

At least so far we can communicate about moodiness and general “oddish-ness” (her word), when it hits her. I opened up that door a few months ago, when she was completely unreasonable, mean, and alternatively weepy one morning before school. So I looked her straight in the face and asked, “Alien, get out of my daughter’s body RIGHT NOW and go find someone else to possess!” Though she didn’t react too much at that moment, thereafter when she was feeling that way (usually in the morning before school), she started telling me that the alien had taken over for the time being. Message from her: “I’m unreasonable right now and I know it. I’ll try to come back sometime soon.” So I give her some space, and it’s usually better.

As for my younger child (I’ll call her S), she’s very tall for her age — only .75″ shorter than her older sister (who is at 75% for height) — and we’re CONSTANTLY getting asked if they’re twins. However, she’s still 9, and mentally not at that same place… yet. My issues with her stem from speaking her mind truthfully, and not saying something because she thinks someone else wants her to say it. And she’s lazy, probably because of having  a little bit of a domineering older sister to lead her, ever since she was born. But with them in separate schools this year, that seems to be waning. However, it does feed into more arguing at home, because she is asserting herself more with her sister, which her sister is definitely not used to!

I’m really, really not looking forward to the teenage years. If we can survive that, we can survive anything.

That’s it for today, I think. I have thousands of little thoughts flying through my brain, and I would write and write and write if I let myself. But I wanted to give you my beliefs in this respect, because I know I will go down this road again and again, and that many of my worries, concerns, fears, and drives come from my husband and I plodding through bringing up our daughters together. It flavors everything in our lives.